Let's Dig In: Depression Part II (the good, the bad, the I need all the potato chips in my belly now dammit)

I was trying to go to sleep when this image popped into my head of a vast open space covered in green grass and flowers with trees off in the distance. The sky is blue with white puffy clouds. It's warm. Birds and happy insects flying about (like the big fat fuzzy bumble bees, not wasps and mosquitoes). Sounds perfect. Looks perfect. Happily, I'm sitting on the ground, in the grass looking up at the sky and around at all the beautiful things... with my feet dangling over the edge of a giant deep dark hole in the ground. So why did I have to get up and write this down in my journal at 4am? What does it mean? It is a visual representation of my life with depression. On my good days I get to sit outside with my feet dangling in the depression hole. The warmth of the sun on my face, the breeze lightly blowing through my hair. I'm never very far from the hole. It's there all the time waiting for me to forget it's there and I fall in.  Some days I even get up and walk around and explore. Other days I trip and fall into the hole. Sometimes I get stuck on a ledge and the sun can still reach my face. Other times I fall all the way to the bottom of the hole. Normal people get to run around far from the depression hole. They may trip and fall and skin their knees, but they never have this constant quiet threat of a depression hole. Damn you extroverts and your bomb social skills. I imagine that bipolar people are one day at the bottom of the hole looking up and the next floating in the clouds. They never get to experience the ground. That's sad. At least I don't have that.

I've been having less bad days with some good days sprinkled in. I'm mostly just right in the middle. Not super happy and not super sad which is how I know I'm not bipolar. A song popped to me on my ipod on a run recently that comes pretty close to how I'm doing. And it's not a Twenty One Pilots song! I know, shocker! Listen if you'd like. It's One Republic - Better. The chorus says this: I think I lost my mind, But don't worry about me, Happens all the time, In the morning I'll be better, Things are slowly getting better, Sing it again.

I've been making slow, steady, small changes, one at a time. Making big drastic life changes all at once, like going cold turkey, only leads to big drastic failure, in my experience. So starting way back in September I made my first small change. I stopped binge eating. Once I got that under control I made the next small change. I went from eating three meals a day to two. Once I adjusted to that I made the next small change. I started to exercise. First just walking (I used walking to the coffee shop to get a drink, to curb the binge food cravings), then the rowing machine, and now running. Once the habit of exercise was reformed, the next small change was implemented. I stopped drinking soda.

I need to work on a few things still. I've been running somewhat consistently now. I signed up for a 5K with my boob. My friend. She calls me her boo and she's my boo too so she's my boob. She has big boobs. Never mind. She's my friend. Yes I have friends dammit. I used to use food or soda as a motivation to exercise. If I went for a run, then I could go get a soda. But I can't do that anymore. I needed to find something, some reward for achieving my goals. What are my goals, you ask? Well, I got fat remember? I got 30 pounds overweight fat. So my goal is to loose those 30 pounds. And I needed to set small incremental goals (every 10 pounds) with rewards for hitting them. So what can I use as rewards? Can't be food. I don't need or want stuff. I hate shopping. So I decided on tattoos. I have wanted to expand and add to the arm band I have. Perfect. So when I reached the first 10 pounds milestone I walked into the tattoo shop and gave my artist my ideas and said have fun designing.

As of posting (I wasn't going to post this till I actually reached it) I have hit the next 10 pounds milestone. So my reward? My first session.

There's 10 more pounds. And from experience, the last 5-10 pounds are the hardest to loose. My body is very well adjusted to the new eating habits. And my body is pretty adjusted to exercise. I will start to gain muscle faster than I loose fat so my weight will likely go up before it goes down again. So I have to run farther and faster. Start weight lifting. Eat healthier foods. It has taken about 4.5 months to loose 20 pounds. It will likely take half that, possibly more to loose the last 10. Because these last 10 will be the hardest, I've decided to break it into two. So I need to figure out what the rewards will be for the next and last 5 pounds. I have an idea, and yes they are tattoos.

The next small change is sleep. That's what I need to work on next. Going to sleep at 4am and waking at noon is probably not the healthiest thing. Even with all the small changes I have made, the daily struggle of depression is always there. There are some days I wake up and I just know, instantly that it's not going to be a good day and I won't be a proper functioning adult. But, there are other days I wake up and I know instantly, that it's going to be a good day.

When I first started writing this in... February, I was having a string of good days. Now that I am finishing this, I have been in a long string of bad days. Today was the first good day in a long few weeks. Not to burst your happy bubble, but that's just how it works. When I started this post, I was sitting in the grass, as I finish it, I'm a few steps up off the floor of the bottom of the hole. That 5K? We never ran it. We were to run it in January, and it's now close to the ides of March. That tattoo I got for reaching my 20 pounds lost goal? I didn't actually make it. I was one pound away. And I've since gained some back. It feels like I gained all of it back. I've had two sodas, two days in a row including today. I binged an entire can of Pringles and a family sized bag of peanut butter M&M's last week. I haven't been wanting to write in my journal. I set three goals for the next day in each entry. They're usually easy like: run, work 2 hours, and do laundry or go for a walk, shower, fix the kitchen drawer. Because I failed to do pretty much any and all for a while, the last one from a few nights ago simply was: get up, survive, go back to bed.

And that's exactly what I did. It's what I do. It's what every other depressed person does. We get up every day. We survive however we can (some days we may not make it out of our pj's while other days we accomplish all three goals and then some), and we go back to bed every night. And do it all again. Keep breathing. Keep getting up.



Let's Dig In Series links: Religion Part I and Part II     Depression Part I    Obsession     Anxiety Part I

To My Mom Part VIII: So How Are You Doing

I've been working on this one for a while now. Little by little, it gets written. Why is this one so hard? I don't know. Perhaps it is because I am not in the mood to do this, but feel like I have to get this out. These past few months (summer) have not been hard or difficult, but they haven't been easy either. And so to answer the question in the title: I fucking bloody miss her, and I'm still pissed off that she died. That's how I'm doing.

I keep getting asked this question. How are you doing? I'm fine, I say. That is all I ever say. My answer never changes. Quit asking how I'm doing. If I want to tell you how I'm really doing, I will tell you. I won't need a prompt. I know this is a common question, even to people not mourning a death, so I get it. It's just one of those conversation starter questions in general. It gets asked two to three times a day at work at least. But when asked by people "in the know" a lot, it gets annoying. Quit it. In an effort to quell this question a bit, here is my true and honest response.

How am I doing? I got up this morning. I put clothes on. And if I worked out or had to work today, then I actually left the house as well. Congratulations! I keep getting up.  I keep moving. I get out of bed everyday. Keep moving. This song is on my running playlist on the ipod nano. First song I hear after it gets charged or the playlist starts over. I keep moving.

Working out and running has been the one thing that has helped me through this so far. Not the only thing, but the one thing that I have found, that I do, where I find joy, happiness, and motivation to keep going in life. Life goes on, and we can chose to keep going with it or stay stagnate. I was stagnate after her death. It was a shock. It all happened so fast. We were suppose to have more time. She was suppose to come home. I was stagnate and didn't do or feel or anything for two months. I think that that was okay. We all sat around and stared at walls for a bit. It's a lot to process. But then you have to pick yourself up. You can't stay in that space forever. Working on my physical body with exercise and eating better got me out of my stagnate phase. And once I started on this new direction (because there are many directions one can take), I found that I really enjoy it. I find myself smiling and doing mental high fives and fist bumps after good runs. Sometimes they aren't mental and I quickly look around to see if anyone out mowing their lawn or walking their dog just saw me fist bump my imaginary friend. Some runs aren't so fun. They're painful from burning lungs, side stitches, or the inhalation of bugs, lethargy, too hot, too muggy, or some other random ugh. At the end of those runs, I shrug them off and say to myself that I still got out the door today, and I did it anyway.

So how are you doing?

I don't want to be stagnate anymore. When you or a sibling, parent, spouse, BFF is on a cancer  journey, your own life gets put on hold. You're focused on that person. You're going to chemo appointments, and Doctor visits. You're doing things that the other person wants to do. Everything is about them. I was on hold. So after mom passed away, I didn't need to be on hold anymore. Of course it takes a bit to get going again. Putting yourself back into drive after being in neutral for so long, takes a bit of trial and error and procrastination. But I'm doing it. I said earlier that this year (2015) is all about not settling. Well, I'm keeping myself to it. I've gotten myself into a physical shape that I have never been in before, not even when I was in High School playing 3 different sports at the same time, going from one practice to the next practice to the next. And I feel pretty awesome. I have body issues, as does probably 99% of the female of our species. I have come to a point now that I am almost... almost actually happy with my body. I'm doing little things that are pushing me to get out of ruts and fixing things. Little things like finally moving my 401k from a former employer to an IRA, that I will actually control and not some crazy wack-a-doodle former co-worker/cake nazi. Little things like cutting all my hair off. Little things like joining new groups and meeting new people. Actually buying new clothes. These are big things to me. Yes, even the clothes thing. I still have/wear things I've had since high school. That was 20 years ago!

 This running thing I'm doing now is something my mom was never able to do. She struggled with weight her entire adult life. I find it ironic that when she was at her best (pre-cancer), which was 2010, she had lost 80 pounds and was really excited, I was at my worst, 30 pounds overweight and miserable. When I started running again after her death, I thought I would do it "for her" because she couldn't. But by thinking that way, I was never going to succeed. Do I run "in her honor" then? No, that's not right either. I run for me. That may be seen as selfish, but it's the truth, and it is the right framework for my continued success. Mom is gone, but I'm still here. I have to do things for me now.

this song is also on the running playlist. A bit more "happy" and something I strive for.

Here's another thing, July sucks. I'm glad it's over. Why does July suck now? Well, mom and dad's anniversary was July 1st. Mom's birthday was July 9th. About four of my parents favorite couples also have wedding anniversaries within 2 weeks of theirs. And they had trips planned with some of these favorite couples. Mom always had something big planned in July. She did this past July. It was to be another epic road trip across the country. She loved the 4th! Making dad BBQ and having people over all month long... if they were home. I think, next to Christmas, July (summer) was her favorite time of year.

It's hard. We sit around sometimes while playing cards or something and think, "she's not here to share this". We miss her not being able to experience things and events with us anymore. No more high school graduations for her grandsons. No more input, design ideas, or help with home renovation projects. Doing our kitchen without mom was hard. She would have loved it. Picking out the cabinet stain, back splash, granite counter top color, etc. We had to do that on our own, for the first time. Sis and I would stand in the middle of the kitchen in the drywall dust cloud and say, "damn, she would have loved this".

I'm not sure this really answers the "how are you doing" question. I'm still angry. I'm still sad. I'm still depressed. I'm lethargic. I'm apathetic. I'm confused. I'm also happy, energetic, glad, and optimistic sometimes. It depends on the day, the weather, TV show or movie I recently watched, book I just finished, interactions with other humans, and all sorts of other things I cannot control like the spinning of our planet through the universe. Sometimes I need to be around people. Sometimes I need to be at the ocean. Sometimes I need trees. And sometimes I need to be alone. And sometimes I just want my mom.



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The end of the Bikini 100 Challenge

If you don't know what the heck I'm about to talk about, go and read this first. Then come back. It will make more sense.

I'm an overachiever. The Peak Posse's May challenge was to challenge ourselves to 100 something. It could be fitness related like walk 100km or be able to do 100 sit-ups by months end. Or it could be something completely different. One gal did 100 random acts of kindness. I challenged myself to run 100 miles in the month. That's 31 days to run 100 miles. I broke it up into the 4 weeks in the month. Week 1 had 2 extra days, and week 4 had 1 extra day. I logged my miles by day and week and totaled up at the end of each week and put money in the jar at the end of each week. (part of the challenge is raising money for Caitriona Balfe's charity, World Child Cancer)

At the beginning I wasn't sure I would be able to pull it off. During the months of My Peak Challenge, I would run between 2-4 miles, three days a week. And those 4 mile days were hard. In order to get rest days, I would have to run 5 miles, 5 days a week. Thank god for the extra 2 days that first week. I ran 7 of the 9 days that first week, and only 2 of those days, I was able to run 5 or more miles. But because it was a longer week, I was able to exceed my weekly goals of 25 miles and ran 30.42 miles. So I had a 5 mile lead going into week 2.

Week 2 wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. I ran 5 days and had 2 rest days, and only 1 of those days did I go over 5 miles. I did a total of 22.38 that week, which cut my lead buffer down to just under 3 miles.

I challenged myself in week 3 to run 5+ miles each day. No short runs. (I know, a challenge in a challenge. Just a glutton for punishment) I noticed two things during this week. One was that I was starting to feel the impact of running this much in my feet. My lungs and legs were fine. No soreness, but my feet were starting to ache and thought I'd better do as much as I can now while I still can, before I give out. And two, it was getting easier to go farther and farther. I would chose to turn here instead of there or continue this way instead of that way which would lengthen the route by half a mile or mile. I ran 5 days that week and each run was 5+ miles, the shortest being 5.19 and the longest being 8.07. I did 29.66 miles in week 3 which put me in a good lead going into the last week.

Week 4, the last week. I ran Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday came up and for some reason I had a hard time getting myself out the door. I only needed 6 more miles to reach my 100 goal. So I told myself I could just do two shorter runs Thursday and Friday and it would be complete, ahead of schedule even. So off I go. I got to a point where I needed to make the first turn decision which would either shorten or lengthen the route. I chose to lengthen it. I kept choosing to lengthen it. I thought, hey, let's see if I can do 10 miles... like right now. I mean, that's just 2 miles short of a half-marathon. A freaking bloody half-marathon! I can totally do this. Well... I was tired at mile 5, and stopped in my front yard and watered myself with the hose. But I kept going. I stopped again at the park at mile 7.5 for the drinking fountain. I kept going. When the time came to make that last decision of turning to lengthen, I chose to go home instead. I was tired and was running like an old frumpy woman. On the home stretch I said to myself, "you fucking did it! These last few miles are icing on the cake." Oh cake...

Sorry, in dream land for a bit there. I managed 8.84 miles. Still my longest run ever to date. I collapsed as gracefully as one can in the backyard.

I ran 102.83 miles. Boom. My heels and hip bursitis tell me that yes, I can do this, but please for the love of all that is holy and covered in chocolate, don't ever do it again. Okay. Because my dad said he would match, $103 dollars (I'm rounding up) is getting donated to World Child Cancer (this link is to the just giving page where you too can donate if you wish) on behalf of The Peak Posse and $103 dollars is going to help me get new and awesome hiking boots for trekking up and down volcanoes with Balls. If you don't know who Balls is, read this.

So I did it. It was a challenge, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I thought, I'd have a hard time getting in the distance needed each day. I thought I might get sick or hurt myself in some way and not be able to finish it. Or I thought I'd just dive into a depression and just not do it. But the opposite happened. The running saved me from the dive I was on into depression. I ate lots of protein and took vitamins. I have no idea if they helped, but I knew they wouldn't hurt. I also ate my fruits and veggies. I knew I needed to keep my energy up.

I've noticed that I am leaner now. I've slimmed down. And by the time I hit mile 3, I am in the groove and just go go go, like I can just keep going forever. I do get quite parched though by mile 6. When I get home after a 6+ miler, I practically inhale my water bottle.

I bought a new hat to run in. Bought it off cafe press. It's a piece of crap. I had to restitch the patch on it, but I wanted a new hat and this is what I wanted it to say, so I fixed it and wear it.

 Even if you run on sidewalks, like I do, you must pay attention to your surroundings. No zoning out. You never know when a little yip yip will come plunging out of a bush to "chase you". And press pause on your music while waiting at a stop light. Even when you get your little flashing walking dude, wait. Make eye contact and stare those mother fuckers down! Had I not done that on one occasion I would be a blood splatter on the asphalt right now. Not one but two cars ran the red light on me.

You can stop reading now if you want, but I'm going to continue blabbing on for just a bit more. I have to share just one more thing. Some of the Posse Lassies are just starting on their health and fitness journeys and some have been discouraged by their lack of progress or success. I've been running off and on with varying success going on 5 years now. And only in this last year, starting with My Peak Challenge have I been truly successful in meeting my goals. I was never unrealistic before, but I lacked the proper motivation, I think. It takes time. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. I decided in January when I decided to participate in My Peak Challenge that this year was going to be all about Not Settling. Not settling for just okay. Not settling for just finishing, but to finish on fire! I'm not going to settle for not doing something or going somewhere because I don't have the money or vacation time. I'll find a way. And so, don't beat yourself up for not being able to run a mile. I couldn't even do that 5 years ago. Just starting out was torture. My entire body hurt. My lungs burned. I had an asthma attack, and I don't have asthma. When I first started, I had to walk at least half of each mile.

I will leave you with my only "fat" picture I could find from 5 years ago...

And today with $103 dollars in a jar!

and yes, that is my awesome "strong is the new skinny" tank

I did it with 3 days to spare. Next week, I'm not going to do anything. Except rest my poor feet. Then it's time to change it up again and start doing some new strength training, and if I can find a rower on craigslist or ebay, I'll give my feet some more "rest" by changing up my cardio as well.

And I think I need new running shoes too, och aye.

I'm so sorry

My sincere apologies... to all 20 of you who actually read this. For? Writing on and on about my exercise routines and workout progress. I don’t care about yours, so why would you care about mine? I don’t care that you did yoga today at the beach or ran your fastest 5k or that you’re training for your next marathon. That’s great and all, and more power to you, but still, I don’t care that you can do 200 squats or that you rode your bike 30 miles, and I certainly don’t need to see it.

So why in the world would you be even the slightest bit interested that I can now run a 5k and still breathe normally? You’re not, are you? I didn’t think so. So I promise from now on I won’t write about it. Unless it’s funny. Like today, I almost inhaled a bee and almost tripped over grass. But that’s not entertaining enough. So you won’t hear about me running or anything else unless I do actually inhale a bee and get stung on my tongue or trip over grass and do a face plant into dog shit. Or get chased by a rabid chihuahua and run smack into stop sign. That’s funny. And trust me, all of these scenarios are likely in my future... trust me.

So again, I’m sorry for torturing you. Now on with the drivel about other stuff and such.

Red Runner post challenge

Catch up on what this is here:

So yeah. The actual final day is Friday the 19th, but I will be in LA that day, so obviously I won't be running that day, or probably the day before that either since that day I'll be driving down to LA. And well, the challenge went into the toilet by halfway through the second week of the 9 weeks. Yeah, so here's why.

Recap on what the challenge was: Short run on Monday, Wednesday, Friday (between 2 and 2.6 miles) and  six rounds of strength training of three 30 second intervals with a rest between each round. I would change the strength training routine every three weeks. So the first three weeks strength training exercises were:push-ups, squats, and lunges with hand weights, and the second set was curls, behind the head curls, and something else I can't remember now. I don't like push-ups, I'm not good at them. So at the end of week 1 my left wrist was hurting a bit but I was more impressed that my thighs were sore. Halfway through week 2, I had definitely aggravated the tendonitis in my left wrist. So no more push-ups or anything having to do with my arms from then on out.

And quite frankly I was having a hard time making myself do 6 rounds of exercises. Ugh. So when it was time to switch up for the next three weeks, I decided to focus on abs and legs. So, planks, squats, sit-ups, etc. It sort of worked. Some days, I didn't do them, some days I did. Weeks 4-6 were not fun weeks for me on many levels.

Weeks 7-9 I sort of gave up on the 30 second interval thing, cus I wasn't doing it anyway. So with my brace on I went back to arm and core exercises with the hand weights. And the last two weeks I just did the running because I was working at my parents house hand digging out a patio and fixing their garden and transplanting shrubs. Yeah, I'm old school with a shovel.

I have no idea if I lost any weight. Maybe I'll weigh in tomorrow or something. But although I would like to reach the weight loss goal I had set last year, I don't really care about it now. I'm more concerned about muscle tone and getting rid of the muffin top.

My crazy friend and I are doing the Skyline to the Sea Trail in mid May, which is the "fun" reward for reaching my weight loss goal. So I'm doing it whether I reach it by then or not. But like I said, I don't really care about that goal anymore. It is not a necessity or priority.

I bet that was the most exciting thing you have read... ever. Bwahahahahahahahahaahaha

Update on the Red Runner

The what? Who? I named my ipod nano The Red Runner. 1.) because it is red, and 2.) I use it primarily for when I run. It has the Nike+ thingy app and I decided to use it this week. My current route is 2.90 miles according to The Red Runner, which is about right because I have driven it with my car and checked it on google maps. I burn about 270-290 calories, but who knows if that is accurate. My times started out at about 37 minutes and now at the end of the week, down to 35 minutes. And I average 12 minutes and 45 seconds per mile. But that takes into account that I don't start running the second I exit my front door, I walk about 2/10ths of a mile first and walk a bit when I cross the main road at the stoplights and wait up to a minute to cross sometimes.

It's been a long process, this new me who exercises regularly. I have been noticing changes, loosing inches in places, and seeing actual muscle tone. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. Perhaps when I was a kid, but I never thought about such things back then. Not until high school. It wasn't till then that I remember thinking about my body and not liking it. And the not liking it has stuck ever since.

I've noticed subtle changes like I said earlier, but I still wasn't happy or comfortable with my body. This last two weeks of my latest challenge (run 5 days a week, focus on fat tire) I have been seeing myself in a new light. More muscle tone in my legs and those thunder thighs and actual definition peeking through that tire. I'm almost liking myself. *gasp* Don't get me wrong, I don't sit here hating myself. I don't. I'm like practically ever other woman in the U.S. with body image issues.

But I'm kind of shocked at myself. The fact that I was liking the shape I am becoming. And then I weighed myself. Wistfully thinking that I had finally made it to my ultimate weight loss goal. Only to find that instead of the 3 pounds I had left, it was now back up to 10.

I then stopped working on this post for over a week.

I was so mad I ramped up the workout to 3.2 miles per day, five days a week plus a 15-20 strength training with my dumbbells. I lost a pound. One would think that a normal person doing this for 4 weeks would loose weight. Nope, not me. Clearly, I am not normal. If I had the money and the space to actually do it, I'd be tempted to do the P90X thing. But I don't. And no money for gym membership, not that I like gyms anyway, I don't. So next best thing?

Now I am working on making a new workout that still combines cardio and strength, but ramps up the metabolism better and changes every three weeks to avoid muscle memory and plateaus. I think I have decided on what I will do for the first three weeks. Starting tomorrow since today I did a 2.2 mile run with my fasted mile time to date and did the regular strength workout I had been doing the past 5 weeks. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday will be shorter runs, either the 2.2 or 2.4 mile routes plus the new strength training which involves doing three exercises with the dumbbells for 30 seconds each, moving one to the other without stopping, and then resting for 90 seconds and then repeat for a total of 6 circuits. On Thursday will do the long run of 3.2 miles and no strength training. Because today was the whoops day. The plan will be for Monday, Wednesday, Friday full short run/strength training, Tuesday, Thursday long run only.

Don't know what I will do for the next three week set yet (I have three weeks to think about it). I'm going to try this for 9 weeks. Three 3-week sessions. So perhaps a new and more upbeat update will happen at the end of 9 weeks. The last day will be April 19th if all goes well and I don't get sick... again!

I haven't quite accepted the fact that I may never reach my weight loss goal. I know my body can reach it, just not sure that if I do, I can maintain it. Especially since I have been bouncing between 4 and 10 pounds over it for almost a year now.

Foiled Again

Why why why!!!!!! So frustrating!! It seems like every time I get going on a new routine, it gets derailed. I’m talking about my ongoing lifelong exercise/workout routine. I had set a new goal for January. It consisted of a 3 mile run, five days a week (mon-fri) and strength training focused on the fat tire (crunches of various forms and free weights). A complete workout would last about 45-50 minutes. I was going to remeasure the target areas at the end of the month to see if I had made a dent in the bulge. I completed the first two weeks of four and was feeling good. On Saturday I started to feel congested. Sunday was full blown head congestion with the throbbing headache and if I moved too fast, I would see stars and my sinuses felt like they would explode out of my face. Sunday night took 4 ibprofen and an advil sinus just to get to sleep. I knew I would not be able to continue the plan on Monday. I was so mad. I’m healthy now, why do I keep getting sick? My nephew had the head cold, so he’s the one that brought it into the house. But I did everything I could to keep it away from me. Kept washing the bathroom, my hands, didn’t use his towels, etc. Got it anyway.

This happened in November too, when I got a nasty cold/flu virus from my sister. I was going great on the workout, trying something, and them BAM! I was out for over a week. It’s Monday, and I’m indoors, on advil sinus, and blowing my nose like crazy. And it is beautiful outside!!! It’s finally warm and sunny, like spring. So bummed. Will I be able to go out tomorrow? Not sure I will be able to breathe by then yet. So once again, foiled! Will I have to push the deadline back again? It seems like that is all I do these days, and not just with my weight loss goals.

Running in Silence

Since my debacle with itunes and ipod revolts back in September, I have been going on my runs without music. I had thought that I somehow wouldn’t be able to run without music. I use it for inspiration and motivation. How can I run without that? Well, I did. For a little over 2 months I ran in silence. All I heard was my own breathing and footsteps. And of course the voice in my head yelling motivational speeches to keep me going. Yep, that’s right folks. I yelled at myself. Thankfully not out loud. And I will admit that punctuating swear words in there helped. Somehow it is more stimulating when I say, “You can climb that fucking mountain” as opposed to “keep going”.

I have had my new ipod nano for over a month now, but I hadn’t fixed my music problem. For some reason I was taking my sweet ass time doing it. I realized several times that I was missing listening to my music. I wanted to put the earbuds in and zone out. For some reason that didn’t motivate me to fix the problem. Anyway, I think I have finally fixed said problem. I have been listening to music on the new nano and on the laptop and haven’t yet heard the old problem rear its ugly head.

So I have now begun rebuilding my playlists and making new ones. First one I rebuilt was the one I used for running. The past week and this current week I have been listening on the runs. It’s nice. That voice in my head is much quieter now. She was getting annoying and quite the potty mouth! Someone should wash her mouth out with soap or something.

I have also been frustrated in that I have most likely plateaued because I have been loosing and gaining the same 1 pound for months! So I decided last week that I would extend the run to about 3 miles. I was doing 2.4 on a regular basis, and it wasn’t a big challenge. So, on the first day of the extended route... I should have kept it short. During the run I had almost burped up my breakfast of cherrios twice. Then when it was time to make the new turn to extend the run I had the feeling that I was going to need a bathroom soon. At the .4 mile to go, I REALLY needed to go... like NOW. My lungs were burning and I was squeezing those cheeks so hard it hurt. I ran all the way home, untied the house key from my shorts, up to the front door, and made it to the toilet just in time. Oh my, that was close. I was shaking.

So after vacating my bowels, I sat there for awhile on the toilet, drenched in sweat and beet red and realized I had just run 3 miles, and survived. I hadn’t done that before... ever. I was quite proud. Yes, I was sitting on a toilet being proud of myself! I’ll take whatever moment there is, no matter how embarrassing.

I’ll leave you with that image. And this will tie into the next post about my one regret about High School. (running, not vacating my bowels!) You’re disgusting!

Springtime... somewhere

A few of you have asked what I have decided to do as my “reward” for hitting my weight loss goal. I talked about it here. (I haven’t quite hit it yet, but I am close) Well here it is in Technicolor! Part one is a hike I have wanted to do since high school. That was 16 years ago! Good grief. It is the Skyline to the Sea Trail in Castle Rock and Big Basin State Parks. It is 29.5 miles one way from the starting point in Saratoga to Waddell Beach. Big Basins web site says it will only take 6 hours to complete, once at the parks headquarters. It is usually a two to three day hike, depending on how many diversions we take. My crazy good friend from Santa Cruz (she really is certifiable) will be going along with me on the mini adventure. However we may have to wait till spring comes, for if there is too much rainfall, we won’t be able to cross creeks. May want to wait till spring also so that we can actually enjoy the ocean when we get to it. Too cold in the wintertime. Brrrrrrrrr.

Part two is getting my passport renewed. I expired almost two years ago. I have been holding off on it partly because I don’t want it to have a “fat” picture, and partly to have it renewed as a reward to myself. I will reward myself by finally being able to leave the country! Who wants to take me to Cabo? Anyone? Ok, how about Saint Lucia? No? Australia? Chili? Ireland? It’s springtime in New Zealand!!

You people are no fun.

*according to Wikipedia there is an effort to connect the Skyline to the Sea Trail with the Bay Area Ridge Trail system.

something special

I want to do something special, meaningful for my weight loss goal. I have talked about it before long ago in a far off land. But now that it is close at hand, I need that little bit of extra motivation.

I however, have no money to spend on a vacation get away. I thought about Zion National Park, Chaco Canyon, surfing lessons in Hawaii (which is something I’d really like to do). But all of these require money. I also want to see Machu Pichu, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Patagonia, and I could go on. But again, these cost even more money.

So I am left with something that doesn’t require a lot of money and/or travel. And I have... nothing. I need some ideas. Anyone got anything? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Funny workout videos

Back in a Starbucks in Victorville, listening to my tunes in itunes so I can find my finicky tracks that need fixing. I have been having problems with my ipod and itunes lately. They have decided to not play certain songs or not play them all the way through. I now know how to fix it, but I have to find each song that is doing it and replace it. So, I will be doing a lot of listening for awhile.

So I am here in Starbucks procrastinating on the business stuff for the shop and am writing a blog instead. Go me!

I guess I will update you on the whole me exercising and liking running. Since being in Victorville I have not been able to run and I am missing it. I am antsy and fidgety. But due to the extreme heat and skeeziness of Victorville, I cannot run outside. It’s just not safe. There is no gym at the hotel, so no running on a treadmill either. I have been having a hard time finding a substitute. I didn’t want all that hard work I put in for months and months to fade back into flabby lazy fat cells again. At first I tried a pilates video workout thing and I brought my dumb bells with me. I did the pilates thing but it was kind of boring and annoying and though it is a workout (I got slightly sweaty) I felt it wasn’t enough. I was still antsy and fidgety and restless. Then I went through the videos we have in the garage. Oh my god! I just couldn’t do it. I was laughing so hard at the ridiculous outfits and things they expected me to do. I just couldn’t. The unitard, still gives me nightmares! So this last time I was home over the break I went to Target and bought a Jillian Michaels kickboxing video. She is kicking my ass! I like it better, and I am really sweaty by the end of it. But again, I’m just not sure it is enough.

I’m really tired at work during the day... morning, whatever. I am sleepy. I get back to the hotel and decompress a bit, shower to get all the sunblock off and then do the workout. It wakes me up, which is good, because I need to stay awake to work on the business and such (yeah, I’m working on it real hard right now), and I don’t want to nap because then I won’t fall asleep at night when I need too.

So anyway, Jillian is kicking my ass while I fake box in my hotel room and I look forward to running around my neighborhood when I get home.

It is strange to think that when I started this odyssey it was hard to tie those tennishoes and get out the door. I had to really motivate myself. Now, I can’t wait to tie those tennies. Go me!

All that work for what??

Grrrrr. My quest is failing... sort of. As you may know I have been running and working out for over 8 weeks now, trying to lose that last elusive 10 pounds. I lost one. One freakin pound! ugh. So frustrating. But, there is some good news in all this. Although I have only shed one measly pound, I have lost 2 inches off my tire (waist), 1.25 inches off my hips, 1-2 inches off my thighs (depending on where one chooses to measure), and 1.25 inches off my calves. So I am slimming down, just not getting any lighter. Bwahahahahaha

When I get back from the road trip, it will be time to change things up a bit, so that I don’t plateau or get bored. Not sure what that will entail yet. Maybe run the loop in the opposite direction. Means more up hills than down hills, which would make it a bit more difficult. And somehow change up the weights routine.

The run today (beginning of week 9) was easy. Well it is never easy, but that painful stitch I had is finally gone (that was a hard 2 weeks) and I ran the entire loop. I usually have a short walking stint towards the end, but ran through it today.

I broke one of my rules. I said I would reward myself with a DVD every five pounds but since it is taking 8 weeks to lose just one, I bought it today. (Hopefully it will get here before Saturday.) Because, I have been doing good. I’ve never kept up a workout this long before! And I threw out another pair of “way too big now” shorts. Even though I haven’t reached any weight goal, I thought I still needed to celebrate what I have accomplished. So there. Still a long road ahead (the fight against genetics will be lifelong), but trying to keep optimistic.

It's not a tumor

Utter fail today (Friday) on my run. It’s the end of week 7 of this odyssey and it didn’t start out well. It started on Tuesday towards the end of the run I had such a bad side cramp/stitch that it even hurt to walk. I had to stop and bend over. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Yes, it was painful but went home and finished the usual workout. Next day, the stitch was worse. I had to stop earlier and ended up walking the last half mile. Day three was a bit better. I was able to run up to my usual rest/walking point. I thought, this is not just a normal side ache. I wonder if I have a hernia? (*make note to google hernia) Then, today, Friday, the last full workout day of the week. I knew I was going to hurt. But started out anyway. It started to hurt immediately. I made it, maybe half a mile before I had to stop and walk. It still hurt, even during the walk. I kept going though. I stopped and kneeled down and bent over for a spell. That seemed to help. I then said, well, give it a try, you have about half a mile to go. I was able to run most of the last half mile.

I knew it was going to be rough today, so I even decided to do the slightly shorter route of 2 miles instead of the usual 2.2. Glad for that. To compensate for the lack of leg exercise today, I will ride my bike to the post office, which is about 3 miles round trip, I think. Hopefully whatever this stitch is will heal itself by Monday which is the next time I will run. Riding my bike does not seem to aggravate it.


*I googled. I sure hope I don’t have a hernia. Ouch! I’m hoping it is just muscle strain and with a few days rest will be fine.

I can't be liking this

I haven’t been writing very many blog posts lately. Well, I have actually, I just haven’t been posting them. Two of them in particular I have decided are too personal and as such am not comfortable sharing them with the world.

But today during my run. Yes, I run now. I came up with another blog post. I actually said in my head, I wrote this in my head during my run today. I really did. I even laughed at myself, which threw off my breathing rhythm, I might add.

I get a lot of thinking done, while running. I have my earbuds in and the tunes are blazing loud, but I can’t just turn my brain off. Todays thoughts were of how different it is running at week 5 as opposed to week 1. Week 1 is always a struggle. My lungs would burn and I’d have to stop not because my legs hurt but because I couldn’t breathe. I was sore, and it took the rest of the day to recover. I remember my lungs/chest would still have a burning sensation that evening. It was hard. And once I had to stop and walk the rest because I gave myself an asthma attack. I can only remember 3 times in my life when that has happened.

Now my lungs don’t burn. They are stronger, and I think I have managed how to breathe so that they won’t hurt. I run a bit farther now, and I am not sore at all. Recovery is quick, and I think I am actually starting to enjoy it. I know, Eeeee gaddssss! Still, no marathons for me. My only limitations now are when I get side stitches. Those can be painful. Most of the time I can tell myself to keep going, saying “work through the pain”, or “pain is good”. Perhaps I’m a bit sadistic, but when I start running funny and the breathing gets wonky because of the stitch, I do have to stop and walk it out. At first I thought it had something to do with what I am eating for breakfast, but whether it’s a banana or bowl of cereal, sometimes I get a stitch and sometimes I don’t. Today I did, and had to walk for a bit to work it out.

I was also thinking today that I have always used the excuse of having Valley Fever, as to why my lungs always burn, and why running is hard for me. And there may be some truth to that. I do have compromised lungs, but I contracted Valley Fever over 6 or 7 years ago now. And for a time afterward, years actually, I did notice that breathing was more difficult when at high altitudes or while exerting myself (think of that how you wish). But I can’t use it as an excuse now. Today, I do not have smoker’s lung. I never smoked in my life, not even pot in college. I know, that is somewhat unbelievable coming from someone who went to Humboldt State, aka, pot capital of the U.S. But it is true. I can count on one hand the times I have smoked a cigar, and then proceed to puke my guts out. I never wanted to smoke, because I already thought I had weak lungs and didn’t want to compromise them. So when I got Valley Fever, I was bummed, yes, but glad that I hadn’t already weakened them from previous bad habits.

That was quite a tangent. Anyway, I also decided on this run that I need proper running shoes, and that the trees that have purple leaves year round are quite pretty, and that the adventist church waters their grass way too much. Their sprinklers are on every single day. Granted their grass is very lush and green, but it seems a bit excessive. Who knows what will pop into my head on tomorrows run.

*addendum: Finished week 5 and ran 5 days. I was apprehensive about weighing in, but I did it anyway. I really want to buy that DVD sitting in my amazon account. Was utterly heartbroken when I did. I weigh exactly the same as I did before I even started all of this. Now I’m all depressed, surely I would have lost even a pound. But I can’t let this stop me. I need to do more. So, I’m going back to eating less carbs again. No more cereal for breakfast, no more pasta, potato chips, and bad snacks, and only brown/ whole grain rice. Also going to kick the soda habit. Soda’s usually causes weight gain, so maybe it’s time to kick it again. However, soda was my reward for running, so I have to come up with something else... perhaps it needs to be non-food or drink related this time. I’m using this weekend (Saturday & Sunday) to jump start the soda detox, and needed to give my knees and hips a rest anyway. Monday will be the start of week 6. Also decided not to weigh in again until week 8 is done. So, 3 more weeks of waiting to buy that blasted DVD. It’s worth it though.... right?

Again, with feeling this time!

It has been over a year ago now (year and a half, actually) that I read a weight loss book and followed the program in the book. Within the first two phases of the plan which were 8 weeks long each, I lost 20 pounds. The third and final phase was maintenence. For the past year I have kept the weight off. Only gained 2 pounds back. Not bad. But I never reached my goal. My goal was 30 pounds. I never lost that last 10, now 12.

I decided that it is time. I am not on the strict diet anymore, however I do eat a lot healthier now and better balance my carb intake which was my demise. For the past 4 weeks I have been running at least four days a week about 2 miles and been using my dumb bells.

I always need motivation and rewards, otherwise I stop. I still keep with my original motivation of every 5 pounds lost I get to buy a DVD. I already know which one I will be buying, it is in my amazon cart just waiting for the day I get to say “yes, ship it”. But that hasn’t been enough, obviously. Sure I kept 20 pounds off for over a year, but I didn’t finish.

So the first two weeks of this new start, my motivation was two fold. Firstly, I love soda. RC, Pepsi, Coke, in that order. So if I run and work out, I get a soda that day. If not, then I don’t. That’s good motivation for a caffeine addict. The second which was the linchpin was I allowed myself to watch an episode of Spooks (MI-5 here in the US) from netflix if I ran. I couldn’t stand not being able to watch it. So again, it was good motivation. I have since finished watching the episodes I wanted to see (seasons 7 and 8). I no longer need that extra push. The soda a day is motivation enough now.

I was very frustrated at the end of week two, thinking I was doing really well and probably lost a few pounds by now.... Well, I got on the scale and wham! I gained a pound. I was so mad. But you have to remember, it takes about 3 to 4 weeks to notice any physical changes. Mentally and physically I felt better, but there isn’t really any noticeable change in only 2 weeks. First you gain muscle before you lose fat. And I had to remind myself of that. So I decided not to weigh-in at the end of week 3.

Now that I am into week 4, I am starting to notice little changes. I can now start to see my muscles in my legs, I have pectoral muscles again (I missed them), and my arms are firming up. I still have that roll of a tummy, but that my friends is the curse of family genes. I have it, my brother has it, and my mother has it. I would like to get rid of it as well. I want one set of hips, not two.

I don’t necessarily like running, I’m not going to start running marathons or anything like that. And eventually my knees will stop me (hopefully not for another 30 years or so). But it seems to be the most effective way for me to lose weight and get in shape. And I do feel better after a workout.

*I wrote this last week and never posted it. I did upload it to an online forum I’m part of for some of the peeps who are doing this weightloss challenge with each other. I wanted to share a little with them. But I didn’t post it on my actual blog. Why? I suppose I have this fear that I would stop. I do tend to start things and never really finish them. Learning a language, new musical instrument, etc. And I didn’t want to jinx myself. I’ve posted things before where I say stuff like, “next time” or “I’ll update you when I’m done” and then.... nothing. It is a week later now, and I’m still running, so, for now, I feel safe enough to post this one.

It's that time again: and no it isn't my moon cycle!

It’s time to write another blog post. Life is still in limbo. I have now been unemployed for over 8 months now. It is starting to get scary. I’m starting to get anxious about the whole thing. The longer I am unemployed the harder it becomes to find permanent work. I haven’t been a complete lazy ass. I worked off and on (1 or 2 days a week) for 2 to 3 of those months for my former employer as a construction monitor. I did a week long survey with a former co-worker at his company. And I spent about 2 months landscaping my parents backyard. I changed my diet (got mostly healthy) and lost 20 pounds. I also installed hardwood floors in my house! That seems so long ago now.

I’ll be working the next 2 weeks for my former employer again. I’ve just been out for so long now that I find that I just don’t want to do anything. It is getting harder to get out of bed in the morning... or more like noon. It is hard to even get motivated to mow my own lawn, do laundry, or even get dressed.

I seem to go through a few weeks of deep depression, then a few weeks getting out of it, and a few days of motivated work looking for jobs or fixing things around the house, and then I slip right back into the depression.

I think I am more frustrated with myself than I am with the economy and my lack of a fulltime job. I can’t seem to make any decisions about my future. I have a feeling that for me to successfully transition out of archaeology and into something else will take a lot longer than I want it to. I want it to be instantaneous. It will, in reality, take going back to school and/or several jobs over the course of years to acquire the necessary skills needed. That thought just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed again. It is like starting over. It is starting over. To become an archaeologist, it took going to 4 different colleges over the course of 4 years. We can add the 6 years it took to get my BA in English when I thought I was going to be a famous and wealthy author, if you want. Will it take that long again? I have greater responsibility now. I was living rent free then, and only worried about paying school loans and tuition.

Oh to be young and free again. I’m not old yet, I know. Unless you’re talking to a teenager. I know I am complaining. I certainly don’t have it that bad. I have unemployment benefits, a healthy body, a working car, a roof over my head, and food. I am not in danger of loosing any of these things. And if I did, I have the support of my family to help me. There are many people worse off. Now I feel guilty for complaining! Ugh, the perils of being the offspring of my parents (the guilt is strong in our blood).

Tomorrow’s goal is to get out of bed before noon, and spend some time outside in the sunshine. The sun is good for my melancholy.

Set back or celebration?

I have been hesitant to write this one (and post). But you can’t just celebrate the good stuff and goals achieved. You also have to admit the failures and plateaues. I got on the scale for my monthly weigh in on the “step two” and didn’t loose any weight. I didn’t gain any either. I was bummed. This isn’t the “maintaining” stage. That is step three. What this means to me is that I cannot rely on diet alone. Just monitoring my food intake and eating properly will not help me loose weight. It is depressing to think about it. To know that for the rest of my life I have to exercise A LOT to loose weight and to maintain that goal weight... when I reach it.

I am still determined to reach my goal. I lost 18 pounds in the first 8 weeks. My goal is 14 more pounds. It is not going to be easy. And I think it requires a new reward system for the final goal. My original goal was that every 5 pounds lost, I would allow myself to buy a DVD. Which has worked. I have only bought 2 DVD’s even though I have lost 18 pounds. I was waiting to get those last 2 pounds and hit 20 to buy the next 2 DVD’s. But for that ultimate final goal, it needs to be big. Really big.

What should it be? I want it to be a vacation, even someplace on my list of “things to do before I die”. It may need to be a new stamp in my passport. The first three places that pop into my head are: Australia, Machu Pichu, and Chaco Canyon - Mesa Verde. Hesitant about Machu Pichu because I don’t want to do that one by myself and the fact that I have never regained 100% of my lung strength from when I got Valley Fever. I have difficulty breathing at 7,000 feet, let alone 15,000! And I won’t take the train to it. That’s cheating. If it is chosen, I will hike it. I would also love to go back to Hawaii and not hide behind a surf shirt and extra large board shorts and take surfing lessons!

Any other suggestions? I’m open for some ideas.

Ultimately I chose to sort of celebrate by having an In-N-Out burger and fries.

The first eight

It is finally time. I was a bit scared to step on the scale this morning. What if I didn’t loose very much? I know I lost at least 5, and a friend said I look like I lost 10. Well today was the day. The first eight weeks are up. It was time to measure up and move on. I will go ahead and say it, when I started this I didn’t want to say how much I did weigh. So, two months ago to the day, I was 162. Today, eight weeks later, I am 144. I have lost 2 inches off my chest and 2 ¼ inches off my waist. I was actually shocked when I actually did step on that scale. I’ve never lost 18 pounds before. Well, I’ve never had to before either.

Today I start step two of the diet. It is all about reintroducing carbohydrates back into my system slowly and doing it with the right carbs. So still no potatoes, chips, and sugar related carbs. However, I can now eat fruit!!!!! Which is good because strawberries are in season and living in a place that grows strawberries and cherries and sells them at every fruit stand and not be able to eat them would be torture. I can now introduce whole grain breads, pastas, and rices back in. and sweet potatoes!!! Of course everything in moderation. In step one I was allowed only 5 grams of carbs every five hours, besides the carbs I don’t have to count that was in cheeses, meats, and allowed veggies. Now that is up to 11-20 grams and I have to eat them at every meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and before bed snack. So I guess I get to go shopping for whole grain breads and cereals. I have to make sure that what I eat in carbs also has at least 2 grams of fiber. Gotta keep me regular.

I’m excited. It means I will most likely be on this step for another 8 weeks (ugh), but I will get to eat a more varried diet. It was getting hard on step one to keep things going when I was limited. But I did learn that I like brussel sprouts, and ricotta cheese pudding, and that I cannot cook pork chops, but cauliflower is tasty.

The first week of step one was really hard. The book said I would loose the cravings I had for potato chips, french fries, and all around battered and deep fried goodness. I still crave those things, but I can handle it now. I haven’t gone on a binge feeding of an entire can of Pringles and box of Red Vines yet. I also didn’t notice any physical change in my body until well into the 3rd week or so. The first 4 weeks I did pretty good. I had an off plan meal maybe twice, but I was exercising 4 to 5 days a week with 30 minutes of cardio (on the treadmill) and 30 minutes with weights. Weeks 5 and 6 were spent installing the new hardwood floors in my house. I count that as extreme work-out. (I think I still have bruises from that) My lunch and dinners weren’t always great during that time, but I tried to keep the fast food consumption down to a minimum. Very hard when every night the family was bringing over fast, easy, comfort food. After the floors, I took week 7 off, from exercise only... sort of. I went for walks or rode my bike or pulled weeds in the yard. And the last week, I spent gardening (major weed pulling and landscaping). The treadmill is still burried in the garage behind living room furniture that hasn’t made it back into the house yet.

I am amazed and thrilled with myself for actually completing the first 8 weeks of this new lifestyle. I didn’t think I would finish it, to be honest. But I was and still am dammed determained to do this. Nothing else was working. And this is!! 18 pounds lighter is proof!! I do feel better. I have more energy, not depressed, no anxiety (we will see if that changes when I go back to work), and I fit into most of my clothes again. My wardrobe was limited to 2 pairs of “fat” pants, and a handful of shirts. I refused to buy another pair of bigger “fat” pants. Those “fat” pants are now work pants covered in paint splotches and grass stains. I am back down to where almost everything (almost) fits again.

I still have some weight to loose. And now on Step Two, I will continue to loose weight, work-out and eat right. I will weigh-in again in a month (4 weeks), and I will let you all know the continued progress. Today, I celebrate with a meal at In-N-Out Burger. Hey, I’m allowed!!!

Weight loss 2.0

I’ve always been able to loose a few extra pounds when I’ve needed or wanted too... until now. After 2 months of steady and increasing exercise workouts and watching what I eat with absolutely no results I’ve decided to try something completely different.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

sorry. After the last blog I looked into the South Beach Diet and decided it wasn’t for me. I looked into a few others, and then went to the book store and started reading several books on weight loss and dieting. I found one that fit me.

It’s called the Metabolism Miracle. Basically what it says is that people have either a normal metabolism or an abnormal metabolism. Apparently I show almost all of the signs of the abnormal metabolism. No matter how much I work out, I will not loose weight because my body overreacts to carbohydrates by releasing excess insulin, which is a fat storage hormone.

Usually this abnormal metabolism is triggered by something. For some it is menopause, a tragic death of someone close, or even pregnancy. For me it was stress two years ago that didn’t stop until I got laid-off last month. Since the project in Taft started, I have steadily gained a total of 30 pounds. It has taken about two years. You may not think that is a lot, and in reality it isn’t, but the fact that I can’t get rid of it now... is just frightening.

So there are 3 steps to this thing. Step 1 lasts for 8 weeks. I am almost 1 week in so far. For the first 8 weeks my carbohydrates are severely limited. I am allowed 5 grams ever 5 hours. I’m still getting used to it. I am not starving though, there are plenty of things I can eat. I can eat most meats (lean chicken, turkey, beef, buffalo, and fish). Other proteins like eggs, tofu, cheeses, soy, edamame, nut butters like peanut butter. Fats I can have butter, margarine, mayo, oils, nuts, seeds, and salad dressings. Veggies, I can have almost all veggies except carrots, parsnips, beets (which I don’t like anyway), potatoes, a few squashes, and pumpkin.

You will notice that there are no breads, pastas, rices, crackers, grains, and the things I am missing most at the moment: milk and fruit.

After the first 8 weeks are over, I will start step 2. I will then be able to slowly reintroduce some of my favorites. I will go from 5 grams ever 5 hours to up to 20 grams of carbs. I will be able to have some breads, rice, oatmeal and CEREAL!!! And FRUIT!! And milk, yogurt, and ice cream! Step 2 lasts as long as it needs to for me to get to a healthy maintainable weight.

Step 3 is all about maintaining that healthy weight for the rest of life. It changes from the grams consumed of carbs to servings per day depending on the amount of exercise one does, plus height and weight. There’s a bit more to it than that, but basically after steps 1 (letting the liver and pancreas rest and reset) and step 2 (reprogramming to a normal metabolism), that by step 3 I have learned how to eat and exercise for the rest of my life.

And so this journey begins. I will update you all in about a month with any results or utter failures.

weight loss 101

It has been well over a month now in my quest for weight loss. And I have lost... wait for it... one whole pound. Grrrrrrrrrr. This is not where I thought I’d be, to say the least. I started out with the wii fit. I realized after a few weeks that just using the wii fit for 20 to 30 minutes a day was not enough. So I started jogging on the treadmill in the garage. I started out at 15 minutes with a 3% incline. I am now up to 20 minutes at a 6% incline. Also I do about 10 minutes of free weights and crunches. I do this 30 minute work out 4 to 5 times a week.

I’ve cut down on how much I eat at every meal. I think I have finally nipped the binge eating on weekends thing in the bud. I have cut out soda... well almost. I still have one or two a week. I cut out fast food... except when my sister brought home Taco Bell once last week.

I think I have finally stopped the gaining and loosing of water weight. I think my regimen as it is will “maintain” my current weight. Now I have to step it up more so that I can start to actually loose this extra weight.

I’ve been doing some research. I need to speed up my metabolism and gain some muscle which will help burn fat. All this work with little to no improvement has been really hard. Keeping myself motivated is difficult. The only thing that seems to be helping is the fact that I do feel better after a workout and the thought that one day I will be able to wear most of my clothes again. It is going to take a while till I get to buy that first DVD. I better make it a good one!