thinking positive

I woke up this morning and told myself, "It is going to be a good day". I said that several times to myself while forcing myself out of bed.

And it turned out to be a good day. Who knew. Why?

1.) My favorite show is on tonight *fangirling

2.) Fun stuff was on twitter and tumblr today *made me lol and lmao literally

3.) Perhaps most importantly, but still #3 on my list is I got a job today.

It's just part time, minimum wage-ish (slightly higher, I hope) at a coffee shop. But it will help pay the mortgage, get me out of the house, and give me barista skills (read latte artist) for when I get my shop going.

So yay for positive thinking in the mornings. Maybe I should do this every day.

then do it anyway

Oh dear, watched Roadtrip Nation again. I talked about the show before here. This time it was 3 recent college graduates. And the quote that one of the people they interviewed that stuck with me this time was, “Commit... then figure it out”. His name is Jimmy Chin, who is a photographer and climber. He’s climbed Everest as an expedition photographer. After graduating college he lived out of the back of his Subaru for 7 years.

I’m not going to do that. It’s already been over 7 years since I graduated from Graduate school. But I like what he said. It’s what he did. He knew that he needed to climb and ski, so he did. Which led him to photography, and got photo’s published, which led to expeditions... etc. You can see his full interview here.

I like to think that I am doing the same. I have committed to opening my own business. I don’t have a job, I don’t have any money, I don’t have any business experience, never took a business class in all those years of college. I don’t have wealthy family members or friends. Neither of my college degrees have anything to do with the retail/restaurant business. I may fail, I may not. Whether or not I fail or succeed isn’t the point really. It’s what happens during the journey that is important.

It has taken a long time to get to the point where I am now in the whole process. And it isn’t very far... at least to me anyway. There is still a lot that needs to happen before this business can become a reality. It has taken almost a year now... just to write my business plan. That is dreadfully scary. I hope that the rest of the process before opening doesn’t take that long. But, I have learned quite a bit in that time. It wasn’t a waste of time, perhaps a bit mismanaged, but not wasted. I’ve learned how to write a business plan, create a menu, make financial projections, a bit about commercial real estate, types of loans, investors, etc. I’ve also met some pretty neat people who really want me to succeed. The people at the Chamber of Commerce, the Small Business Development Center, the Economic Development Center, the Welcome Center, the Downtown Association, and the City Planners and others at City Hall.

Everyone I have talked to has said it will be hard and difficult to do what I want to do. But they all have also given me advice and encouragement to keep going and do it. No one has said to me, “don’t do it” or “don’t even try”. At this point, I’m not sure I would even listen to someone with that kind of negativity.

It’s like the quote from the last time I wrote about Roadtrip Nation. “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”

The fickle beast

I have two new blogs I am wanting to write but they will take some time to figure out. One requires me to learn how to embed music files legally and the other requires going over to my parents house to use their scanner, and search out more photos from my childhood which I do not have. *see previous post here

You may have noticed that this blog isn’t really about my job anymore. The obvious reason for that is because I don’t have one anymore! Haven’t for over a year and a half now. Scary to think about that. Money is getting very tight these days. It’s a good thing I’m a saver and not a spender. But the savings is almost gone. I have no idea what will happen when the winter rolls around. I’m hoping that dig bumming this summer will give me a little cushion... but if I have learned anything about the field of archaeology is that it is a fickle beast and can drop you in an instant. I haven’t worked for over 2 months now. I may or may not have a job lined up when I get back from the road trip in July. Being in limbo for a year and a half has not helped my psyche, I suspect.

Oh archaeology, I can’t seem to quit you. (sorry, I couldn't help myself) A smart thing would be to get a part-time job at some menial retail gig to have steady income till the shop requires my full attention, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. There is a sense of rebellion (may not be the right word) to staying in archaeology. Sometimes the work is monotonous and tedious, and downright frightening (angry people with guns and dogs comes to mind). But then there are the times when it is just breathtaking, literally and figuratively. And I hope I will never forget some of the amazing people I met and worked with over the years in the job.

News Update

First blog of 2012. Today I realized (well, I’ve known for a while now) I am not a dog person. I can tolerate them and live with them, but it isn’t by choice. There’s a new dog in town. Her name is Sura. She is a ridgeless Rhodesian Ridgeback. She is almost 5 months old and belongs to my sisters husband. I live with my sister and her two teenage sons with their little weiner dog Pepper. My sister’s husband only lives here part time. So Sura is here, part time. Well, when said husband goes to work, Sura stays with us because he works 3-4 12 hour shifts. Today (Monday) he worked, my sister went to work and my nephews went to school. Which left me with Pepper and Sura. Pepper doesn’t like Sura that much. And even before my sister and her husband got Sura, I said I didn’t want another dog. But apparently I don’t have a say in the matter. Well, lets just say taking care of Sura is like taking care of a colicky toddler. They won’t stop screaming, nothing you do is right, and you can’t take your eyes off of them, and by the end of the day, you want to pull your hair out. So when my sister came home to check on us, we decided that Sura will go to doggy day care on the days that her husband works. Hurray!

Now don’t get me wrong, Sura is a very pretty dog and she is pretty smart. She is only 4 and a half months old and can sit, stay, drop things she’s not suppose to put in her mouth, plays well with other dogs, and has figured out how to open doors. She will be a very well behaved dog when she grows up and be very sociable. I just don’t want to babysit her or take care of her. She isn’t my dog. I like cats. Cats are very low maintenance. You feed them and clean their litter box. That’s it. If they like you, they may curl up and sleep on your lap. They pretty much take care of themselves. They even give themselves baths. But sister is allergic to cats, and Pepper is a neurotic territorial ferret that tries to kill cats, so we can’t have them. *sad face*

Which brings me to another subject. If and when I get my soda/ice cream/ book store, I would like to have a shop cat. It would live at the store and hang out with the books and lounge on the comfy sofa’s and chairs and be loved by all the patrons.

And what’s this soda/ice cream/book store? Well, I am still unemployed (only been working a few days to a few weeks per month doing archaeology). I’ve realized that if I stay in archaeology, that is all it will be. So I’ve decided to pursue another dream. I have many, this shop is just one. Before the shop dream, I thought I’d go back to school and become a landscaper (yet another dream). I even applied to school, but when I went to register, the classes were all full with a 20 person wait list! I took it as a sign. That maybe that dream should be put on hold and to try a different one. So on a whim while sister and I were at the bank sorting out a checking account issue, we talked with a small business manager there. He made it sound like it could be done and helped us get started. A few days later he called and said we would qualify for a SB loan to purchase the building we were looking at for the shop. Some other stuff happened and we talked to some people and met some people willing to help us, and things are rolling along. Right now I am in the process of writing up our business plan to present to some potential investors. If all goes well, my new profession will be owner and proprietor of a small business, and landlord. By no means are we even close to making this happen yet. But we should know by as early as the end of the month whether or not this dream could become reality. I really hope we can do this. It is a lot of work, and the “work” I’m putting into it now is free labor. So I am still taking archaeology jobs when they are available to me, so that I can stay afloat a bit longer. If this dream can become a reality soon, then perhaps my financial future won’t look so gloomy, like it does at the moment.

My sister and nephews, and my mom seem to be on board, but dad is a bit uneasy. But I attribute that to his personality. He is by nature a worrier. And I can understand that, we are related and I also have this particular trait. This is a huge risk that may or may not work. We shall see, and I will try to keep you posted.

Decisions and holiday festivities

Killing multiple birds with one stone here. First off, it is major decision time for me. Can’t put it off much longer. I no longer have unemployment benefits. Apparently I worked too much in October. It was going to expire in January anyway. So I went and applied for school. Well, I didn’t actually go anywhere. I did it online while sitting on this very bed. I register for classes the week of December 14th. I will be taking Horticulture Landscaping classes. If anyone needs any work done, I’m available. (nudge nudge) Don’t have a part-time job yet to sustain this yet, but there is still time. This of course means that once school starts in February I will not be able to take archaeology jobs. Mostly because field jobs take me away from home for weeks at a time, and the whole point of going to school is actually physically going to school.

Which brings us to point number two. Archaeology. I will miss it. I love it, but it also almost destroyed me. I will miss my fellow archaeologists. They are very intelligent, gifted, loyal, down right raunchy people. It takes a special quality person to do the job, and I will miss them. I will miss the places I got to see and the places I will never get to. I was able to see and go places that most people never get to. Drive on roads that are locked, climb mountains where there are no trails, find artifacts that no one has touched in hundreds of years. I got to go to such a variety of places. I will miss exploring. I will however not miss the stress of report deadlines and client demands and expectations, the fear of angry and sometimes armed landowners who hate you just because you are an archaeologist. I will not miss the bureaucracy and blame being thrown at whomever is closest.* I was relieved when I got laid-off. A large burden that I never wanted in the first place was lifted. There were some responsibilities I hated, like having to deal with angry property owners, and clients who didn’t even understand what our job is and what it entails. Lets just face it, I hate confrontation. It makes me very uneasy whether it be clients or co-workers who don’t get along. Since being laid-off, all of those responsibilities no longer applied. I was essentially demoted. I am no longer a project manager/supervisor. I work now as just a field technician. I miss putting together site records, the artistry of drawing maps and features, manipulating photographs in the office. I have enjoyed the field work I have been able to do since that time. I enjoyed just being a member of the crew. I will miss it. I hope that perhaps during school breaks and over the summer I will have the opportunity to come back and do some field work. I’m not sure I can completely let it go. There is a part of me that will always crave it. The need to explore and find and see things for the very first time. Archaeology gave me access to feed that craving and paid me, to boot.

And thirdly, I’ll keep this one short. It is holiday season. I don’t tend to get excited about it. I don’t hang Christmas decorations, I only buy gifts for immediate family and don’t spend much on them (especially this year). It’s just not a big deal to me. I enjoy spending time with my family, don’t get me wrong. But I am like my father and his father before him. We like to be there. We want to be around everybody, but we don’t want to necessarily do anything. We just want to sit there and just be. When I think of this holiday time, it is for sappy hallmark movies and card commercials that make you cry. It is for movie marathons that last for days. It is time to watch Star Wars (episodes IV-VI only, I-III sucked ass) and Lord of the Rings (extended version), and old but good tv shows like Farscape and Firefly. And then watch them again with commentary. (Yes I do that, I admit it) It is for 1000+ piece puzzles. When I think of this time of year, that is what makes me happy. Oh and the BBC America channel always runs a Dr. Who marathon on New Years!!!! I have watched it 2 years in a row now. It is a great way to spend my birthday. Yes New Years Day is my birthday, you may be hung-over, but I will be in my comfy PJ’s gorging myself with food I shouldn't eat and watching Dr. Who for 12 hours straight. Bow Ties are cool!




*This is not necessarily individuals. Archaeological companies are usually the lowest on the totem pole of large projects that involve many agencies and companies, and often get the blame for running projects over budget.

Permanent temp

I’ve gotten some steady work recently. The last two weeks I have been monitoring and digging out at the Monterey Presidio with the ole company. It was fun to get out and actually dig a bit, especially there. There is such a long history there. The next two weeks I will be with the same ole company, surveying and updating/recording sites out near Lone Pine, on the east side of the Sierra Mountains. Should be fun. I have not been able to get out there before, so it will be exciting... I hope. I will be with some good people, so all should go pretty well.

I like that I have gotten some steady work recently, but I am not one of those people who can live like this. What I mean is that, I’m a person who functions best when the job is permanent, in that I show up everyday at 8am and go home at 5pm. Or some variation of that. Or as my dad says, a lunch bucket person. Constantly networking to find the next job and living week to week is not my forte.

So it is nice that I am working at the moment, but it will not last, and the search is still on for the permanent solution.

It's that time again: and no it isn't my moon cycle!

It’s time to write another blog post. Life is still in limbo. I have now been unemployed for over 8 months now. It is starting to get scary. I’m starting to get anxious about the whole thing. The longer I am unemployed the harder it becomes to find permanent work. I haven’t been a complete lazy ass. I worked off and on (1 or 2 days a week) for 2 to 3 of those months for my former employer as a construction monitor. I did a week long survey with a former co-worker at his company. And I spent about 2 months landscaping my parents backyard. I changed my diet (got mostly healthy) and lost 20 pounds. I also installed hardwood floors in my house! That seems so long ago now.

I’ll be working the next 2 weeks for my former employer again. I’ve just been out for so long now that I find that I just don’t want to do anything. It is getting harder to get out of bed in the morning... or more like noon. It is hard to even get motivated to mow my own lawn, do laundry, or even get dressed.

I seem to go through a few weeks of deep depression, then a few weeks getting out of it, and a few days of motivated work looking for jobs or fixing things around the house, and then I slip right back into the depression.

I think I am more frustrated with myself than I am with the economy and my lack of a fulltime job. I can’t seem to make any decisions about my future. I have a feeling that for me to successfully transition out of archaeology and into something else will take a lot longer than I want it to. I want it to be instantaneous. It will, in reality, take going back to school and/or several jobs over the course of years to acquire the necessary skills needed. That thought just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed again. It is like starting over. It is starting over. To become an archaeologist, it took going to 4 different colleges over the course of 4 years. We can add the 6 years it took to get my BA in English when I thought I was going to be a famous and wealthy author, if you want. Will it take that long again? I have greater responsibility now. I was living rent free then, and only worried about paying school loans and tuition.

Oh to be young and free again. I’m not old yet, I know. Unless you’re talking to a teenager. I know I am complaining. I certainly don’t have it that bad. I have unemployment benefits, a healthy body, a working car, a roof over my head, and food. I am not in danger of loosing any of these things. And if I did, I have the support of my family to help me. There are many people worse off. Now I feel guilty for complaining! Ugh, the perils of being the offspring of my parents (the guilt is strong in our blood).

Tomorrow’s goal is to get out of bed before noon, and spend some time outside in the sunshine. The sun is good for my melancholy.

Frustration

I’m getting frustrated with myself. The feeling of guilt and laziness, whether warranted or not, of being jobless for five months is getting to me. I’m trying to figure out what kind of job I want. I’ve thought about going back to school for construction or horticulture, but would require 1 to 2 years of full time schooling and finding a job in the meantime to pay for the schooling and mortgage. I actually find it somewhat humorous that someone with a BA and an MA would consider going back to school for a technical certification from a Community College.

I don’t know if I want to go back to school. I already spent 9 years in college, do I really want to make it 11? Some days I think I want to, other days I don’t. Then I start thinking too much. To change careers, how much new stuff will I need to learn? When I started in archaeology, I knew practically nothing about the field. I went to school and started reading on my own because it was interesting to me. I don’t do that anymore. I feel now like an uneducated, out of the loop unemployed archaeologist.

I’m someone who has many interests. Who will learn enough of something to be competent. I learned to play many musical instruments. I was good, but not great at any of them. I know a little about a lot of things, but I’m not an expert at anything.

Feel the Fear

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. This is a quote from the TV series Roadtrip Nation on PBS. I love watching this show. It is a small group of young people usually around 20 or 21 and about to graduate college. They travel around the country in a green RV interviewing interesting people about how they came to be who they are. It is suppose to help these young people figure out what path they should take next in their lives. Mostly the people they interview say to find what makes you happy, find what gives you passion, find something that makes you wake up in the morning happy to go to work. The show is geared to people in their early 20’s. However, after watching episodes I feel inspired to figure myself out and find what makes me happy. I’m not in my early 20’s, but I feel that I am standing at the next crossroads in my life. Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I turn around? And I think, it is never to late to try something new. Only thing is, I don’t know what that new thing is.

I know now that I lost my enthusiasm, passion, and whatnot for my current profession. I think, I’ll give it till the end of the season. (Field season - which usually runs till the weather turns rainy and snowy) My former employer which is my somewhat current employer at the moment will never take me back in the capacity that was. I will only be working for them as a field person. Right now I work for them on a very part time basis on a temporary job as a construction monitor. The work itself is very boring. But the crew is very nice and fun and I can’t argue with the view. I have a view of the pacific ocean and the Monterey Bay.

The plan is, for now anyway, is that I will work for whom ever in the field doing surveys and excavations till the weather puts a stop to it. So I should be somewhat employed till say... November-ish. But I don’t have a plan for after that. What do I do then? I have to make money somehow.

But that is just it. I feel like I have to make money. I have to because I need to support myself. No one else can, nor should they. I know that I cannot work in a cube. I think it would slowly suck the soul right out of me. I also know that I can’t just sit on my ass and wait for “it” to drop into my lap.

So, do I go back to school... again? Take some classes that interest me? Apply to Home Depot? I don’t know. My father asked once a while back as a conversation starter at a small gathering of friends what our favorite job was. And I think my answer surprised everyone... who actually know me. It wasn’t archaeology. It was the stock room at Borders Book Store. I started out at Borders as a barista in their cafe. Then I became manager of the cafe, a supervisor. I worked at the info desks, cash registers, helped customers find books, opened the store, closed the store, etc. But when I got accepted to field school, and then grad school, I couldn’t be a supervisor anymore because I couldn’t work certain days and enough hours. So I transferred to stock. I unloaded pallets of books and stocked the shelves in the wee hours of the morning. I loved it. I got to organize stuff. I didn’t have to deal with people who would say, “I’m looking for that book, you know the one with the green cover? It was on that show.” Or “this doesn’t taste like Starbucks, why doesn’t it taste like Starbucks? Make it taste like Starbucks!” Seriously, if you love crappy Starbucks that much... then go to Starbucks!! Does it say Starbucks anywhere in here? I always wanted to say that to people. I did tell someone once who was really rude about the drink I made him. I told him that Starbucks was just at the end of the shopping center and that he should go there, I’m not Starbucks. Anyway, I got off subject. I liked making coffee and espressos, and I liked stocking shelves. There was some stress to the job, in that we had to get the pallets of books out on the shelves as fast as possible because the next pallet was always coming, but it was a manageable stress. The actually organizing and stocking was calming to me. I know, I’m strange.

I think this is why I’ve given thought to opening a new and used book store. But I want someone else to do that part. I want to stock it’s shelves and run the little cafe inside, not worry about the money or the crazy people that will inevitably come in, or the furious community group that doesn’t like the color of our store front.

I remember being told, do what you’re good at. But just because I am good at certain things, doesn’t mean I enjoy them.

So I will stand here at my crossroad for a while longer and continue to scratch my head and study my map. I feel the fear, only the fear is that I don't know or may never know what job will make me happy or at least happy to go to work most days.

She's guilty!

I have been unemployed for almost two months now. I have been looking for work, granted not every hour of the day. I have been enjoying the time off. If it wasn’t raining so much the backyard would look amazing! However, I have only been able to start many backyard projects and then a week of rain happens.

For some reason though, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about staying up late and sleeping in. I have always been a night owl. I hate mornings! There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to enjoy this freedom while I have it. Who knows when I will get the chance again? When I retire? Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Also feel a bit guilty because I am not working. I am getting unemployment checks and staying up late and sleeping in and pulling weeds in my backyard. How is this productive? And gee wiz, why do I feel like I need to be productive? I feel like I have to do something... anything. Why? Is it so ingrained into me to be a productive member of society?

I just want to sleep in and watch movies and TV all day. Is that so bad? And when that new job comes along, I go back to being a productive member of society. Right now though... I’m going to hulu to watch some old TV shows.

Um, career change?

During this time of uncertainty in my job and life in general, many people have asked what my future plans will be. Will I quit my job*, find another company to work for, stay in archaeology, or get out of the field all together, and many other questions like now that your sister got married, will you move out? Like she doesn’t need me, or me her anymore or something along those lines. And a few people who have known me for well, since birth practically have asked me if I will pursue writing... professionally. It has crossed my mind, but I always push that thought back to the recesses of the back of my brain where other thoughts live that I don’t want to think about like I’m scared about getting old and dying and what if everyone I know dies before me and things like that.

Many people have told me that I’m a good writer. That was one of the reasons or the only reason perhaps that I chose to be an English major in college. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a good writer too, then I stop myself for fear that others will see that I’m really just full of bologna. Seriously, I’ve written some really bad stuff. I’ll even use my Masters Thesis as an example. It is one piece of work that I don’t want people to read. One, it’s really boring, and two, it is a piece of crap plain and simple. On the other hand, I have written some stuff that’s really good. Even I read over things that I’ve written and forgot about and say wow, I really wrote that.

I’ve had delusions of grandeur before of me writing some great piece of work and I end up on the Oprah show as one of her book club selections. You know you’ve made it when you get interviewed by Oprah. But now she doesn’t have a show anymore so that dream is over. I still haven’t decided if I write for me or for the admiration from others. And if it is for the admiration from others, is that a bad thing?

I’ve never ever finished anything I’ve written. These blogs only end because I don’t know what else to say, not that I’ve finished. Even now, I’ve sat here for 15 minutes and still don’t know what to write next. And now it has sat on my desktop for over a month now. So what does that say?

*I got laid-off two weeks ago now, so that answered that lingering question.

I don't know, and I don't care

I still have a job. I just don’t know if I want it. The Santa Cruz branch of the company (where I work) will be closing its doors permanently at the end of September. The company will also be closing our Chico branch as well. The company wants to keep the three of us supervisors from the Santa Cruz branch. However, we will be working out of the Lancaster branch. If you have ever been to Lancaster, you know it is not a very fun place. It’s better than Taft, but still miserable. We will be what our client calls “lead monitors”. We will work 6 days a week up to 11 hours a day and basically be on-call, 24-7. It will not be a fun experience, very high stress and frustrating, and an all around logistical nightmare. I’m painting a very lovely image aren’t I? Now, if this project is running at full steam then the three of us who used to work in Santa Cruz will be fully employed round the clock. However, this is not the case right now. There will be times when nothing is going on… and then what? I stick my thumb up my butt and wonder why someone thought it was a good idea to create a drug that rots your teeth? The “boss man” said when this particular project is not running full steam ahead, or we don’t need to be on the ground down yonder, we can work from home… but then he can’t guarantee us work. But this is archaeology and CRM where there really is no job security ever, and we are at the whim of the people, government agencies, and corporations that hire us. There never was job security, I just got lazy and didn’t think this would happen.

So the elephant in the room is this: Do I continue on here and basically relocate to Lancaster and go prematurely grey? Or do I start looking for another job in Archaeology? Or, do I look for another job elsewhere?

I’ll say one thing: I won’t miss the hour commute it takes just to get to the office in the morning. I will miss my co-workers though. How many of you can say that you would actually enjoy hanging out with your co-workers outside of work, or understand each others humor? I consider these people my friends.

I used to like this company. I was proud to work here. I was proud of the products we produced and the quality of our work. Now I feel like a pawn being carelessly strewn around the chessboard with no regard to my feelings, worth, or well-being. I almost threw in the towel today and walked away. But my co-worker who is also getting tossed about said not to make any rush or rash decisions, that we needed to let this stew a bit. It’s still fresh… it needs to fester first, I suppose.

So, I know now that I will quit. I just haven’t decided when. I feel like I need to have at least some semblance of a plan first, perhaps another job lined up so that I’m not without. Then again, I am a saver, and have been since I was a kid and my older siblings would borrow money from me. I can survive and still pay my mortgage and expenses for about 4 months with no income. And because the “boss man” won’t just lay me off, I do not qualify for unemployment.

I’m angry. I’ve given this company 5 years of my life and even caught a deadly fungus that has permanently scared my lungs for life while working for them. I’ve done great things for them, and they don’t see it! They never do. It has happened time and again, that they loose great employees because they don’t treat us right. They push, they shove, they take take take. I had a hellish year last year and ended up taking a long vacation this past December. The job was better at first when I came back. We do this job because we love archaeology. It’s not for the glamor, fame, or money because those things don’t exists in this field. But it wasn’t fun anymore. I’ve become very bitter, battered, bruised, and burnt out.

Kia ora, and perhaps it is time for this *koru to unfurl.



*Koru is a Maori word, which is a new unfurling fern frond and symbolizes new life, growth, strength and peace.