Am I warped?

My Dove chocolate told me to do something spontaneous today. So here it goes. A photo examination of my childhood, let's observe:






you can click to enlarge



Yes, this is me, I was eight. A few things to note.

1.) my short hair. If my brother was in this picture with me, you would notice that I had the same haircut.

2.) my fashion sense was non-existent. Everyone knows you don't wear a blue t-shirt with blue jeans, especially ones featuring dolphins! However, I never did nor do I now have any fashion sense.

3.) (and perhaps the most disturbing)I have hung my cabbage patch doll. And not just hung him, I am gleefully proud of the fact that I did. I mean, look at that smile on my face!


One can only conclude that even at such an early age, I had a warped sense of humor or justice. I can't remember why I hung him. This may have been his punishment for doing harm to my other cabbage patch dolls. Still doesn't explain why I am so happy about it.


*please don't take anything I just said seriously.

Road Tripin'

Going on a road trip this summer. Some of you already know this, and some of you I will finally see again... finally! Been wondering what I should bring to listen too to pass the endless miles of salt flats and construction zones. Of course I will bring the ipod (however, it has been acting up lately - oh no!!) but what new stuff should I put on it? Audio books? New music? Old music? And how much am I willing to spend on all this stuff? I don’t have much money and shouldn’t be spending it on frivolous stuff like itunes.

But is music and books frivolous? Not for me. They have a huge impact on my life. They can inspire, motivate, alleviate, distract, and focus me. Some things make me cry... every time, no matter how many times I’ve listened, or make me smile or laugh. So yeah, profound effect. Not in the least bit frivolous. But I am having a hard time spending money to get some. The ultimate penny pincher and saver.

I’ve been fighting a bout of depression for months now. Exercising is helping, by getting me moving and outside for at least 30 minutes a day to see the sun. Exercising also helps with hygene. (gross, but sometimes I was just too tired to shower) Music and novels are a useful tool for me during these times as well, so why won’t I read? Buy new music? I bought 3 new books for me to read and have only read three chapters. I blogged about it here.

Right now I have my earbuds in and am listening to three songs on an endless loop. What are they? Into Dust by Mazzy Star, Just Breathe by Pearl Jam, and To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra. They are of the more melancholy sort. Is it helping? Well, it is making me write this drivel. However, new music (to me anyway) can help me break out of a depressive state. Because it is new and exciting and I want to experience it.

That’s it! Light bulb moment. I experience what I listen to and read. The good stuff, I become so engrossed in it that I become part of it, and it a part of me. Which is why I can listen to three songs on an endless loop for hours, why I can re-read a book and enjoy it again and again. Same goes for movies, I suppose. Which is why I have such a large collection.

No idea where this is going, oh yeah, so to buy new stuff or not? I should. I think I need too, and not just for the trip.

What's in a name?

Someone once asked me if I had a blog. I said, why yes I do. Really, doesn’t everyone these days? I directed said person to my blog. Then said person somewhat snickered at the name of my little blog, The Lonely Traveler. I sort of just shrugged it off at the time. But in reality, it kinda hurt. I spent a long time coming up with the name, I put a lot of thought into it. Or at least, I thought I did.

And so, I will now explain it to you. I’ve had this little blog for.... dear lord, six years? Holy crap. It’s about time I explained myself then.

Why I chose, The Lonely Traveler: The obvious one is, that I do tend to travel alone. And not by choice, or so I thought at the time, six years ago. I think now, I tend to travel alone because I want to. And I think that started when I finally went to New Zealand, alone. The trip was to be my graduation present to myself for making it through graduate school. But of course when one graduates from university with any degree, said person is in debt. So instead of using what money I had on the trip, I started paying off my loans. Then I couldn’t get any one of my friends to commit to going with me. They were either still in school themselves, or getting married, or having babies, or were dirt poor, yadda yadda yadda. So finally after four years, I drummed up the courage to go it alone. I did it. It was completely awesome. And you can all read about it, if you haven’t already on this very blog under December 2009. Wow, that was almost 3 years ago now. Time flies when you aren’t paying attention.

I still get nervous when I go off on my own. I was nervous when I flew out to North Carolina last month, but once there, I had a grand ole time. I will be driving myself from Wyoming to Chicago and Minnesota come July. Granted I will be visiting dear friends, but that is 5 days of driving on my own. I’ve noticed that I like being able to stop whenever I feel like it to take a breather, go on a short walk about, piss break, what have you. I like that freedom of not having to confer with fellow travellers. If I want to stop and look at the giant ball of twine then, gosh darn it, I will. If I see a trail head sign by the side of the road, then it is within my right to stop the car and go for a hike.

I’ve also come to the stark realization that I do not travel well, unless it is a designed road trip. Me and planes/ trains/ boats/ busses/ and apparently kayaks, do not get along. Getting to the destination is not the fun part. I love going places, seeing cool things, etc. So I put up with the fact that I will be a nervous miserable wreck getting to them, because I know that it is worth it, in the end. Puking in that stupid small airplane bathroom is totally worth it, trust me. I like traveling to work destinations alone too. Don’t get me wrong, I like traveling with co-workers. They are usually great fun and we tend to have the most bizarre discussions. And traveling with my family is usually quite a hoot as well.

I do find at times that I wish there was someone in the passenger seat next to me who I could talk to about this or that, or be able to show them this or that as I pass by on the road. Or wish that there was someone with me on those long flights who would engage me and make me laugh hysterically to take my mind off the fact that there are still 7 hours left of said flight.

Now the less obvious (and more serious?): I am not an extrovert. I am an extreme introvert. I can go for days, not saying a single word. I force myself to do things and when put into leadership roles, force myself to be said leader. Doing this puts a lot of stress on me, so when I have the chance to be just one of the sheep, I say baaahhhhh. I have friends, but none of them know my secrets, desires, and whatever. Some of them know some things, others know other things, but none of them know everything. I don’t have the obligatory “best friend” with whom one shares every dirty little thing and knows you better than you know yourself. I am by nature and by my own design alone, and therefore often lonely. Which is why I tend to go off on hikes by myself or long walks through town contemplating and debating with myself said loneliness and usually drawing no definitive conclusions. It’s an endless cycle of woe is me, I have no friends, no social life, yet don’t do anything to change that, and realize I find comfort within myself and don’t need that social fluff.

There’s no “bestie”, boyfriend, soulmate, or life partner. I know that there may never be. Some days, I’m fine with that and relish it (I quite enjoy the fact that the entire bed is mine and I can flop, turn, twist, and contort my body anywhere I please), other days, not so much. But that’s life.

So basically, I am a lonely traveler. But that’s the way I like it. Oh, that last bit is kinda depressing. Sorry about that.

I can't be liking this

I haven’t been writing very many blog posts lately. Well, I have actually, I just haven’t been posting them. Two of them in particular I have decided are too personal and as such am not comfortable sharing them with the world.

But today during my run. Yes, I run now. I came up with another blog post. I actually said in my head, I wrote this in my head during my run today. I really did. I even laughed at myself, which threw off my breathing rhythm, I might add.

I get a lot of thinking done, while running. I have my earbuds in and the tunes are blazing loud, but I can’t just turn my brain off. Todays thoughts were of how different it is running at week 5 as opposed to week 1. Week 1 is always a struggle. My lungs would burn and I’d have to stop not because my legs hurt but because I couldn’t breathe. I was sore, and it took the rest of the day to recover. I remember my lungs/chest would still have a burning sensation that evening. It was hard. And once I had to stop and walk the rest because I gave myself an asthma attack. I can only remember 3 times in my life when that has happened.

Now my lungs don’t burn. They are stronger, and I think I have managed how to breathe so that they won’t hurt. I run a bit farther now, and I am not sore at all. Recovery is quick, and I think I am actually starting to enjoy it. I know, Eeeee gaddssss! Still, no marathons for me. My only limitations now are when I get side stitches. Those can be painful. Most of the time I can tell myself to keep going, saying “work through the pain”, or “pain is good”. Perhaps I’m a bit sadistic, but when I start running funny and the breathing gets wonky because of the stitch, I do have to stop and walk it out. At first I thought it had something to do with what I am eating for breakfast, but whether it’s a banana or bowl of cereal, sometimes I get a stitch and sometimes I don’t. Today I did, and had to walk for a bit to work it out.

I was also thinking today that I have always used the excuse of having Valley Fever, as to why my lungs always burn, and why running is hard for me. And there may be some truth to that. I do have compromised lungs, but I contracted Valley Fever over 6 or 7 years ago now. And for a time afterward, years actually, I did notice that breathing was more difficult when at high altitudes or while exerting myself (think of that how you wish). But I can’t use it as an excuse now. Today, I do not have smoker’s lung. I never smoked in my life, not even pot in college. I know, that is somewhat unbelievable coming from someone who went to Humboldt State, aka, pot capital of the U.S. But it is true. I can count on one hand the times I have smoked a cigar, and then proceed to puke my guts out. I never wanted to smoke, because I already thought I had weak lungs and didn’t want to compromise them. So when I got Valley Fever, I was bummed, yes, but glad that I hadn’t already weakened them from previous bad habits.

That was quite a tangent. Anyway, I also decided on this run that I need proper running shoes, and that the trees that have purple leaves year round are quite pretty, and that the adventist church waters their grass way too much. Their sprinklers are on every single day. Granted their grass is very lush and green, but it seems a bit excessive. Who knows what will pop into my head on tomorrows run.

*addendum: Finished week 5 and ran 5 days. I was apprehensive about weighing in, but I did it anyway. I really want to buy that DVD sitting in my amazon account. Was utterly heartbroken when I did. I weigh exactly the same as I did before I even started all of this. Now I’m all depressed, surely I would have lost even a pound. But I can’t let this stop me. I need to do more. So, I’m going back to eating less carbs again. No more cereal for breakfast, no more pasta, potato chips, and bad snacks, and only brown/ whole grain rice. Also going to kick the soda habit. Soda’s usually causes weight gain, so maybe it’s time to kick it again. However, soda was my reward for running, so I have to come up with something else... perhaps it needs to be non-food or drink related this time. I’m using this weekend (Saturday & Sunday) to jump start the soda detox, and needed to give my knees and hips a rest anyway. Monday will be the start of week 6. Also decided not to weigh in again until week 8 is done. So, 3 more weeks of waiting to buy that blasted DVD. It’s worth it though.... right?

The new short stack

I took a trip to my local B&N today. I picked up Lee Child’s Killing Floor, George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones, and Elizabeth Gaskell’s North and South. A thriller, a fantasy, and a classic. Talk about a mixed bag. Got Child’s Killing Floor because it is the first of one of his best known series, and everyone I have talked to who has read them say it’s great fun. I like fast paced good action thrillers. I was going to get David Morrell’s First Blood, you know the Rambo movies right? Well, it was a book first. But they didn’t have it. *sad face* So I got Martin’s Game of Thrones, instead. I’m very picky about fantasy books. I have a hard time finding ones that I actually like. But I thought I should give this one a try, it is an HBO series now and it’s all the rage. I think I can handle some magic, mayhem, incest, and epic betrayals. And now the classic. I recently watched the BBC production of this novel and absolutely fell in love. No really. The whole puppy dog googlie eyed, I have to watch this over and over again in love. Ok, maybe just the ending, but still. Now that I know what Thornton looks and sounds like, I can get all googlie eyed in the text. Charles Dickens gave her good reviews, so it must be a good book as well.

The whole point of this is I haven’t been able to read much lately. I’ve started reading several books and just haven’t been in the mood, or they just haven’t captured me. Hopefully these will get me going again. I also need to re-read The Hobbit before December, to refresh my memory before I go see the movie extravaganza. It will be epic, EPIC I say!

Again, with feeling this time!

It has been over a year ago now (year and a half, actually) that I read a weight loss book and followed the program in the book. Within the first two phases of the plan which were 8 weeks long each, I lost 20 pounds. The third and final phase was maintenence. For the past year I have kept the weight off. Only gained 2 pounds back. Not bad. But I never reached my goal. My goal was 30 pounds. I never lost that last 10, now 12.

I decided that it is time. I am not on the strict diet anymore, however I do eat a lot healthier now and better balance my carb intake which was my demise. For the past 4 weeks I have been running at least four days a week about 2 miles and been using my dumb bells.

I always need motivation and rewards, otherwise I stop. I still keep with my original motivation of every 5 pounds lost I get to buy a DVD. I already know which one I will be buying, it is in my amazon cart just waiting for the day I get to say “yes, ship it”. But that hasn’t been enough, obviously. Sure I kept 20 pounds off for over a year, but I didn’t finish.

So the first two weeks of this new start, my motivation was two fold. Firstly, I love soda. RC, Pepsi, Coke, in that order. So if I run and work out, I get a soda that day. If not, then I don’t. That’s good motivation for a caffeine addict. The second which was the linchpin was I allowed myself to watch an episode of Spooks (MI-5 here in the US) from netflix if I ran. I couldn’t stand not being able to watch it. So again, it was good motivation. I have since finished watching the episodes I wanted to see (seasons 7 and 8). I no longer need that extra push. The soda a day is motivation enough now.

I was very frustrated at the end of week two, thinking I was doing really well and probably lost a few pounds by now.... Well, I got on the scale and wham! I gained a pound. I was so mad. But you have to remember, it takes about 3 to 4 weeks to notice any physical changes. Mentally and physically I felt better, but there isn’t really any noticeable change in only 2 weeks. First you gain muscle before you lose fat. And I had to remind myself of that. So I decided not to weigh-in at the end of week 3.

Now that I am into week 4, I am starting to notice little changes. I can now start to see my muscles in my legs, I have pectoral muscles again (I missed them), and my arms are firming up. I still have that roll of a tummy, but that my friends is the curse of family genes. I have it, my brother has it, and my mother has it. I would like to get rid of it as well. I want one set of hips, not two.

I don’t necessarily like running, I’m not going to start running marathons or anything like that. And eventually my knees will stop me (hopefully not for another 30 years or so). But it seems to be the most effective way for me to lose weight and get in shape. And I do feel better after a workout.

*I wrote this last week and never posted it. I did upload it to an online forum I’m part of for some of the peeps who are doing this weightloss challenge with each other. I wanted to share a little with them. But I didn’t post it on my actual blog. Why? I suppose I have this fear that I would stop. I do tend to start things and never really finish them. Learning a language, new musical instrument, etc. And I didn’t want to jinx myself. I’ve posted things before where I say stuff like, “next time” or “I’ll update you when I’m done” and then.... nothing. It is a week later now, and I’m still running, so, for now, I feel safe enough to post this one.

Gelato Overload

*As I write this I am in the Charlotte airport in North Carolina way too early for my one of three flights home from Carpigiani Gelato University. The rain was pouring in Winston Salem and I didn’t have anything I wanted to see, so I left the hotel at checkout time and came down to Charlotte. The rain poured all the way here. So here I am 3 hours early, already checked the rental car and through security. So glad this airport has free wifi. On with the show. My flights to North Carolina were... well... it’s U.S. air travel, when is it ever enjoyable? My flight to LA was fine. The flight to Chicago was full and I was at the rear of the plane. And we were late getting into Chicago. So I had to walk very fast to get to my next connection. Got there with 5 minutes to spare, and they said, “oh they just got here and haven’t even deplaned yet.” The plane to Charlotte was old and small. The carpet was worn, the seats had no fluff, you could actually feel the metal in the seats, and it squeaked. And of course Charlotte was experiencing “weather”. We circled for 40 minutes, then got diverted to Tennessee to refuel. And back to circling Charlotte. We landed about 2 hours late. Then waited at Hertz for my car for 40 minutes because they were running out of cars??? Whatever. I then drive through the pouring rain and lightning storm for 1.5 hours up to Winston Salem. I finally got into bed at 2am (eastern standard time) and was up for my first day of class at 7am. Sorry, just had to complain. I hate traveling. I love the destinations, just not the getting there part. Day one of Gelato school: Class size was 9 people. Three of us from California, three from Canada, one from Atlanta, Virginia, and Philadelphia. Our instructor was from Bologna, Italy. She owns, I think she said 5 gelato shops, and also consults and teaches gelato classes all over the world for Carpigiani. We learned about different sugars and what they do, milks, creams, and eggs. We made three different bases. White (milk), yellow (egg yolk), and cocoa (chocolate). From the bases we can build whatever flavors we want our gelatos to be. We were divided into groups of three and we made some standard flavors such as vanilla, milk, creme (egg), chocolate, etc. Then at the end of the day she had us create something all our own. Our group decided to make a hazelnut mocha. And guess what? It was delicious! Our group won the taste test! Yeah, baby, yeah. The second day each student had to create their own again, and I made sweet potato. Suppose to be pumpkin but they couldn’t find canned pumpkin in the store. It tasted pretty good, could have been better with added spices (didn’t have nutmeg). But my presentation was good.

Each and every day was packed full of math. I had no idea I was going to have to remember my algebra. Calculating percentages and if A is this and B is that and you need X percent to get C, etc. And god forbid we have to calculate all this in our crappy American measurement system! Oh my. I will be doing everything in grams and kilos, thank you very much! We learned how to create different bases with different ingredients and how each ingredient affects the taste, texture, and consistency of the gelato, fruit gelato, and sorbets. By the end it was almost overwhelming. So much info packed into 5 days. Also learned what machines I will need to start the business. Anyone have $100,000.00 just laying around they don’t need? The class was fun, our instructor was fun and engaging, my fellow classmates were fun and interesting. We all went out to eat our last night together. Of course it was Italian. Our instructor looked at the menu and said, “this isn’t Italian”. bwahahahahaha. After we went into this frozen custard shop and critiqued their shop, presentation, and taste. I don’t think they liked us very much. tee hee. But their presentation was horrible. So much info packed into 5 days I can’t possibly tell you all about it. Well I could but then where would all the excitement be when I open my shop and you all know my secrets?

I didn’t do much sightseeing while there. Class ended at 5pm everyday, except our last day, so there wasn’t much time to do anything. However I did go walk around Old Salem which is where some persecuted Moravian religious Europeans settled in 1771. They are still there and still live in these really cool old houses. And I went to the Reynolda House, which some lady named Katherine decided her family was going to be self supporting and grew their own veggies, grains, etc and eventually grew their own town. The house is now a museum of American Art and the grounds, outbuildings, and town are now shops and restaurants. The house was pretty cool though. They had a pipe organ in the “parlor” and the pipes and tubes were placed throughout the second, third story, and attic. Plus the basement had a pool table, bowling alley, shooting range, squash court, an art deco bar, and swimming pool! Wake Forest University now owns and maintains the extensive gardens and land used as pasture. So all in all, well worth the money spent for the class and expenses to get here. Now I have to sit in packed airplanes again. Oh joy. * airport won’t let me upload photos or this document so you all had to wait till I got home and slept.