conundrum

While I couldn't sleep the other night, waiting for the weird bout of heartburn to go away (apparently had too much milk, the horror!) I decided to read some of the posts i'd written that had the most page views. I was trying to figure out what I say in those that I don't say in the others and why they get more views than most of the others. I have some theories, but that isn't what this is about. I also re-read the post I had written 2 months ago and pulled off the blog and sent back to the "draft" box because I was scared it was too personal or revealing. I've decided it's a good post, and would possibly fall under "would get more views than others" category. Still debating, may remain in "draft" forever.

When I originally wrote it, I thought I'd send it to someone first and get their opinion before posting it. I thought that again the other night when I re-read it. Then I thought about who I would send it to. Then it really hit me, there isn't anyone.

I have only a handful of friends. And when I say a handful I really mean it. I can count them on one hand. I have a lot of acquaintances that I am friendly with but don't hang out with them, or share friendshipy things with them. And even the handful of people I consider my friends don't know the inner workings of my nuts-o brain... not really.

Then I felt sad that my handful of friends don't really know me. Friendship is a two way street. I don't share with them the inner workings of my nuts-o brain and they don't share theirs with me. So I don't really know them either. Then I was really sad. But I got over it.

Does anyone really know anybody? Really? Isn't that the fun part? Constantly learning new things about each other? Getting to say, "I didn't know that" and "I had no idea" or in some cases, "holy crap, really?"

The other thing I realized about my handful of friends is that I think all of them are extroverts whom I see as having a crapload of friends besides myself. Me: extreme introvert to the point of being a hermit. Them: extroverts with crazy busy social lives and calenders packed full of people and dinner parties.

I love my extroverted friends. I don't see them very often. Some, it's been years. But when I do see them, they tend to bring the snarky side of me out, and I tend to shock them with what comes out of my mouth. It's fun.