Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Letting out the silent killer

me in 1999
I'm listening to Muse with the big headphones because I took my ipod to work so that I could listen to music during my lunch break, because I needed to drown the brain. I chose a playlist, and hit shuffle. The last song was Muse's Follow Me from their 2nd Law album. And then hit replay. There is nothing special about that song... I think*. But then tonight after work, I wanted, or more to the point, needed to listen to music. So again, I chose Muse.

I needed to shut my brain up for many reasons. Most recently due to the death of Robin Williams. Some famous deaths aren't all that shocking (Heath Ledger, Kurt Cobain) or unexpected (Amy Winehouse). But his was. It's just sad. I haven't been on Twitter since I heard because I just don't want to see it all. His death, of course, brings up the discussion of depression and how debilitating of a disease it can be. I've written about my depression a bit here on the blog, but I've never truly discussed it at any great length. Maybe I should.

Depression runs in my family, as I'm sure in most. Both of my parents suffer varying degrees. One uses medication. But both of them and myself included, don't suffer from say... "deep depression" or get to the point where the thought of suicide would help. I have fallen pretty deep before, but I can only stay holed up for so long before I force myself out. I have always pulled myself out of a "funk" sometimes it's as "easy" as going outside and soaking up the sun. (easy is in quotes because it is NOT easy.)

I've found that since I have started running, more than two years ago now, I don't get into those deep, long bouts as much or for as long anymore. I mentioned to a friend just this past week, that I now use running as an escape. I run so that I don't have to think about how crappy life is that day, or week, or what-have-you for 30-40 minutes. I run to quiet the brain. And by running I get outside into the sun for at least 30 minutes a day, and exercise also gets the metabolism going and endorphins flowing which is critical for depression sufferers.

So thank you running. With out it, I'm not sure how well off mentally I would be right now. Everyone suffers things silently. I have quite a list going right now in my life, much of which I don't share publicly, (as in this blog) but I think, no, I know for a fact that I am handling it better than I would if I wasn't running my ass off 4-5 days a week.

Of course there are days I don't want to get out there. Almost all the time. But I put the "outfit" on and lace the shoes, and get out the door. Once I'm out the door, it's easy. It's getting out the door that is difficult. I always know how to break out of, or more like climb out of a bout of depression, it's the actual doing of it that is difficult. So it is always very hard to hear when someone doesn't make it out. It is an ever constant disease. It never truly goes away. It lays there in wait, unsuspecting. I don't realize I'm slipping til I'm full in it, and I realize I'm mad and emotional about everyone and everything, and tired and sleeping the days away.

I've been on the brink of tears when reading or watching something about Robin Williams. Other famous deaths haven't done that to me before. Whatever it is about him, his life and death has affected me.

So, guess what I'm doing tomorrow after breakfast and checking how many people read this... That's right, strapping these puppies on and getting OUT THE DOOR!
These are my very first pair of actual running shoes. I like them!
*It definitely has meaning. Here are the lyrics: Give a listen here:
When darkness falls
And surrounds you.
When you fall down,
When you're scared
And you're lost. Be brave,
I'm coming to hold you now.
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong,
Like your life has slipped away.
Follow me.
You can follow me
And I, I will not desert you now.
When your fire's died out,
No one's there,
They have left you for dead.
Follow me.
You can follow me.
I will keep you safe,
Follow me.
You can follow me,
I will protect you.
Oh
I won't let them hurt, hurt you, no.
Ooh yeah.
When your heart is breaking.
You can follow me.
You can follow me.
I will always keep you safe,
Follow me,
You can trust in me.
I will always protect you, my love.
Feel my love
Feel my love.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Picture Number 7

The Not So Random Photo Project: #7
Dusk at Shaver Lake, California. December 2006

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Summer Stay-cation: Day 5

Today was awesome. I am sore. But that's a good thing. Sort of. Today I had my breakfast and coffee. Nephew pulled through and we now have MILK! YEAH! I went running. Only did 2.3 miles, but Mr. Creepy said I did my fastest mile. It's interesting that when I feel like I am not going particularly fast and just plugging along, I have a faster pace than when I am consciously trying to go a bit faster. Whatever.

I got on the internet and played. Was going to watch "Futbol", but the U.S. game was already over. Oops. I sat outside in the sun for a bit and soaked up some rays, made more freckles, then got to work sanding the rest of the beams for the pergola. I don't think you know how big it really is so here is proof.
 The big beam in front I did yesterday. The four in the back are halfway sanded at the point of this picture. I had to take a few breaks from sanding for my hands/wrists. I didn't want my carpel tunnel to flare up. That bastard!

And then it was time to paint. And paint. And paint some more. I painted till I ran out of paint... which was here.
So will have to go to Home Depot tomorrow. Oh darn. Heh heh, I love that store. Sis came home and watched me paint, and we both vented to her best friend who came by to hang out with us. Made her feel better. We then traveled the very far distance to my parents house. And by far I mean 1.5 miles. And we ate really bad food (Taco Bell) and played cards. I didn't win, but came in second. So I improved my standing.

With all I did today, I should sleep pretty good tonight. Tomorrow will be interesting. We will be putting the pergola back together. Hopefully with my dad as supervisor, no one will have to go to the hospital. Also tomorrow is my last day of the stay-cation. It went by too fast. I feel like I need 3 more days. Oh well. I have more vacation hours, I can cash them in later. Take another week off later this summer perhaps.




Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Summer Stay-cation: Day 3 & 4

I didn't really do anything on Day 3. So it didn't really warrant it's own post. However, I did realize two things yesterday.

1: I can't do nothing on a stay-cation. I can't just sit in my room all day on my computer or watching t.v. I get too bored and frustrated and kinda pissy. So I decided that I had to get out of the house for the rest of the week. The back yard would do fine. I just have to do something. Anything.

2: While on my walk on Day 3, (I didn't go running) I decided to walk up the hill. If I walk all the way to the top where my street dead ends and back down, it is about 3 miles. And by up the hill, I mean UP THE HILL. People drive to this street just to walk/run/bike this hill. I thought that maybe I should actually try and run it sometime... I also decided that today (Day 4) was not that day. But I digress. I've known before, and it sunk in that if I had the money (1 to 2 million dollars) to afford to live on top of the hill, I wouldn't want to. Sure they are practically castles, but all they are are huge homes with little to no yard space with a view. I don't want a pink palace (there is a pink palace up there, I'm not making this up). I wouldn't fit in there. My priorities aren't palace with a view, luxury car, and hired help. There isn't anything wrong with that, it just isn't me. I don't need all that house space, or a luxury car or a Mercedes SUV. I'm a simple girl. It just doesn't seem practical to me. Just walking up there, I feel out of place.

So anyway, that was Day 3. Today, I got out of the house. I went to my local coffee shop for breakfast, since we are out of milk. But don't worry, I have... faith???? that the $4.00 I gave to the nephew who works at the grocery store, will come home with said milk after his shift. Faith, you gotta have faith, faith faith...

I ran another 3 miles today. No records or milestones, so no creepy Tiger Woods. I sat out in the back yard for a bit. And then I got to work sanding and painting the large beam for our large pergola that we took down when we got our new roof. It's been in pieces on our patio for months now. I want my patio back. Unfortunately, both dogs now have white paint on them. It's they're own fault. They aren't the brightest of their species.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Summer Stay-cation: Day 2

It's okay that I really didn't do much today, right? It is a vacation after all.

I slept til 11:00 am. Awoke to a nephew taking a shower while playing very loud music. I put in my earplugs... I still heard it.

Made coffee.

Ate breakfast and drank coffee and played on the internet.

Went running. This isn't a vacation from exercise, must maintain the wondrously formed muffin top. I did 3 miles today. The creepy Tiger Woods told me I had logged my fastest mile on my ipod. yay

I sat out in the backyard and watched the bees. And a wasp. Will have to find that nest.

Decided to watch the Mexico World Cup game, but it wasn't on. :(

So decided to go to Wallgreens for toothpaste and shampoo. The person who I thought was taking a nap in their car all day in the shade of our trees was actually out of gas. I saw her putting gas in her car. She then asked for a jump, so I did my "good deed" of the day and gave her a jump... and then went to Wallgreens.

I watched a movie.

Then I watched the latest episode of my favorite "guilty pleasure", the CW's Beauty and the Beast.

So not much today, but still a good one, I think.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Summer Stay-cation: Day 1

Today was the first full day of my week long "stay-cation". I decided I needed a break from work since it was starting to get to me. I get vacation hours, so why not use them.

So, today I slept in to 12:30pm, and was woken up by my mom calling to see if I was FINALLY available for "Sunday Dinner". The answer, FINALLY was yes!

Got up, made bed, washed face, got dressed, told sister that mom and dad were on there way over to pick us up for "Sunday Dinner".

We went to Applebee's. I had a steak.

I watched the Wold Cup game between the U.S. and Portugal. Oh My God, what an awesome and heart pounding game! Just wow.

During said game I cleaned my bathroom. It was gross. Since the cleaning, a nephew washed the dogs in the tub and now it smells like wet dog in there and there is dog hair clogging the drain. Such is life.

I also cleaned out my closet of clothes I never wear or will never fit in again. Sad that I have come to the realization that I won't be "that thin" again, but again, such is life.

Surfed the internet for awhile, then mom texted and said to come on over for cards.

We sat out in mom and dads backyard for a bit and I pet my cat and brushed my cat and was told that my cat is now "out on the prowl" at night and does not come home till morning. Good thing that boy is fixed and chipped.

We played cards. I lost. We ate grilled cheese sandwiches and Cambell's soup. We talked, we laughed, we googled. (we think we found the Laotian refugee family my parents took in back when I was probably 3 years old.)

All in all, a good start to the "stay-cation". I will win for sure next time.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

By God, it's a fountain!

Long long ago (back in 2009, the year I went mental and other things happened) in the far distant smelly tar lands (Taft, California) *shutters* some of my crew members came across something that they thought I would like. At the time I was telling them of the adventures I was having fixing my house and landscaping my backyard. I was collecting rocks for a pond that my sister was constructing while I was out doing field work. Now there aren't many rocks in Taft. There's a lot of sand, and sticky stinky sand, but not a lot of rocks... that I'd be willing to display anyway in my glorious and wondrous backyard. HA! I did procure a coyote skull and a sheep skull however, and several other crew members took home some animal bones as well. We had a lovely cat skull sitting on the dashboard for a few weeks. It was adorable until you looked in its dead empty eye sockets and your soul turned black with despair.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted. At the end of the day when we would all meet up again, they said, "hey, we found something you may want". So off we went to find the GPS coordinate they logged. Low and behold they had found a stash of transmission tower ceramic insulators. These weren't your cute aqua glass insulators that people spend $50 bucks a pop at overpriced antique stores. No sir. This was an intact 40-50 pound ceramic insulator. And I thought it was beautiful. I thanked the crew members who found it and thought of me. We heaved it into the back of the SUV, and off we tootled. My first thought was to get it home and turn it into a fountain.

Well it made it home and sat in my backyard for years. It was a stand for tomato plants for a few years. It also held strawberry plants when we rebuilt the main vegetable garden beds. But finally after years of neglect and wishing it was still hanging off a steel transmission line in the dessert, it has become a fountain!

One of my nephews drilled the hole needed to run the rubber tube, and my sister one day took our old pond apart (we never took the time to maintain it) and replaced said pond (mosquito breeding ground) with our new fountain. TA DA!!
isn't it just the cutest thing ever?

and it works!!