Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Steel Testicles

My house, Fuzzbucket, has for the past week, smelled like death. Why? Because we heard some rodents playing under our house and in our walls, and I had the genius idea of throwing rat poison under the house and sealing all the vents. It worked. Something had died. When the smell first appeared, I thought the little dog had peed again, and was getting quite mad at him. I was thinking, he’s peed so much now in the house that it has leaked through the floor into the sub floor and we can’t get rid of the smell now without ripping out the floor and replacing the urine soaked sub floor. It took about a day for me to realize that the smell I was smelling wasn’t urine at all. It was decomp.

We lit candles for a few days, but when my room started smelling up, I had had enough. It was time to suit up, grow a large pair of steel testicles and go under the house to find the dead things and remove them.

Here is me suited up. I’ve got my rain pants and rain jacket on, mittens with rubber gloves over them, bandana because we didn’t have any masks, hat to keep my hair back, and head lamp to see with. Also had a garbage bag for dead things and the hot pockets box to use as a scoop.

Luckily there was no standing water under the house. Usually during the winters there is a small pond under there. But there hasn’t been a whole lot of rain this year, and so it was just very wet and it is more like a freezing mud pit.

Fuzzbucket’s crawl space is quite small. You can’t crawl on your hands and knees. You have to scoot on your belly. It is only about a 1 foot 6 inches worth of height down there and gets smaller the farther you go.

I found the first dead rodent under the hall bathroom. It was a fuzzy grayish mouse. It stunk. Scooped it up with the hot pockets box and into the garbage bag. I continued the search, scooting, scooting, scooting. Found the next dead thing under the living room near where the fire place is. It was pretty gross. It was completely flattened, bones sticking out everywhere and as I scooped it up, realized it was also covered in maggots. Nasty ass mother f@%$&! Got it in the bag and twisted it up so the maggots wouldn't start creeping out.

By then I had about had it under there. I started the trek back up and continued to search for more dead things on the way. Didn’t see anymore. However, there is a nice collection of red plastic bowls down there, along with various nails, screws, and other unidentifiable things. The original plan was to get the dead things and also rewire the cable lines coming into my nephews rooms, but the cable lines are a complete mess down there, and I didn’t want to pull the maggot/rodent bag of death around anymore.

Sorry nephews, you will have to wait till summer, when it is dry down there.

There is so much moisture down there that the dirt is growing fuzz. Not green fuzz like moss, but it’s white hairy fuzz. It was kinda cool.

I was going to have an after picture of me as well, but I kinda had to undress while in the hole. But here are my clothes after coming out.

It has been two days now, since this adventure, and the house still smells! So we are still burning candles. Oh well. My sister thought I was very brave though. Those steel testicles are awesome.

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