Just Breathe

When a particular song pops into my head, I usually have to do something about it. Sometimes it is a song that is annoying and I have to get it unstuck by listening to something else or watch some tv or read a book. It then goes away because my mind is now thinking about something else. Other times I take it as a sign that I need to listen to it for a reason. I can usually tell which it will be. In this case, a song came into my head and I knew, “I need to listen to this... right now!”. I have it on a loop on my ipod as I write this. I was getting ready for bed and stopped to listen... and write.

The song? Just Breathe by Pearl Jam

Here are the lyrics:

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..

No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Love you till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

So what does it mean? Not sure. I first heard this song on the trailer for the documentary movie called Buck, and I sought it out. Found it and downloaded it. Vedder (as in Eddie Vedder, lead singer for the band, if you didn’t know that already) wrote it back in 2009 so it isn’t very old. Usually when I find a song and I say, “wow, what a cool new song” it is usually pretty old... by modern rock standards. I guess I lucked out this time.

Is it a great piece of poetry? Maybe not. Is it a masterpiece of music? Probably not. But I like it. And really that’s all I need. It fits. It is mild... for Pearl Jam, if you know their music.

So why did it pop into my head now? Maybe only to get me to write. Maybe to speak to me about love, mortality, or something else. Whatever it is, I’ll figure it out sooner or later... or not.

I know two things. One: I really like this song. Two: I want to go see the documentary Buck where I heard this song on the trailer. Go watch it on youtube or hulu. You will most likely want to go see it as well.

Another thing: the reason for the song popping into my head... I can’t figure it out and it is in there, somewhere, the reason, and it is aggravating me that I don’t know what it is. I guess I will keep listening to it for a while.

I’ve been thinking about getting back into music again. I miss playing. Why I stopped is a mystery to me. I miss playing my guitars, (even the bass) and the piano. I think I want to learn to play the mandolin. I guess I need to go buy one. Those of you who have known me for a very long time know that I have a severe case of performance anxiety. To a point where I can make myself sick and unable to function. However, that is only the case when I am the solo performer. Which is why I never “solo-ed” while in the Lumberjacks. As part of a group ensemble, I am fine. I am in the moment and enjoy the camaraderie of the group performing as one. When I play by myself... completely different story. When I play alone.... I want to be alone. It is for me, and me only. If I want to share it with others, I will. But when I used to play my guitar or piano, it was for my own enjoyment, pleasure, release.

I miss that. And I think I need that back in my life, especially now when my live is in flux/ transition.

And there you go. This is why this song came to me when it did. Well, I feel better now, and now I am going to enjoy this song a few more times before bed.

Set back or celebration?

I have been hesitant to write this one (and post). But you can’t just celebrate the good stuff and goals achieved. You also have to admit the failures and plateaues. I got on the scale for my monthly weigh in on the “step two” and didn’t loose any weight. I didn’t gain any either. I was bummed. This isn’t the “maintaining” stage. That is step three. What this means to me is that I cannot rely on diet alone. Just monitoring my food intake and eating properly will not help me loose weight. It is depressing to think about it. To know that for the rest of my life I have to exercise A LOT to loose weight and to maintain that goal weight... when I reach it.

I am still determined to reach my goal. I lost 18 pounds in the first 8 weeks. My goal is 14 more pounds. It is not going to be easy. And I think it requires a new reward system for the final goal. My original goal was that every 5 pounds lost, I would allow myself to buy a DVD. Which has worked. I have only bought 2 DVD’s even though I have lost 18 pounds. I was waiting to get those last 2 pounds and hit 20 to buy the next 2 DVD’s. But for that ultimate final goal, it needs to be big. Really big.

What should it be? I want it to be a vacation, even someplace on my list of “things to do before I die”. It may need to be a new stamp in my passport. The first three places that pop into my head are: Australia, Machu Pichu, and Chaco Canyon - Mesa Verde. Hesitant about Machu Pichu because I don’t want to do that one by myself and the fact that I have never regained 100% of my lung strength from when I got Valley Fever. I have difficulty breathing at 7,000 feet, let alone 15,000! And I won’t take the train to it. That’s cheating. If it is chosen, I will hike it. I would also love to go back to Hawaii and not hide behind a surf shirt and extra large board shorts and take surfing lessons!

Any other suggestions? I’m open for some ideas.

Ultimately I chose to sort of celebrate by having an In-N-Out burger and fries.