During this time of uncertainty in my job and life in general, many people have asked what my future plans will be. Will I quit my job*, find another company to work for, stay in archaeology, or get out of the field all together, and many other questions like now that your sister got married, will you move out? Like she doesn’t need me, or me her anymore or something along those lines. And a few people who have known me for well, since birth practically have asked me if I will pursue writing... professionally. It has crossed my mind, but I always push that thought back to the recesses of the back of my brain where other thoughts live that I don’t want to think about like I’m scared about getting old and dying and what if everyone I know dies before me and things like that.
Many people have told me that I’m a good writer. That was one of the reasons or the only reason perhaps that I chose to be an English major in college. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a good writer too, then I stop myself for fear that others will see that I’m really just full of bologna. Seriously, I’ve written some really bad stuff. I’ll even use my Masters Thesis as an example. It is one piece of work that I don’t want people to read. One, it’s really boring, and two, it is a piece of crap plain and simple. On the other hand, I have written some stuff that’s really good. Even I read over things that I’ve written and forgot about and say wow, I really wrote that.
I’ve had delusions of grandeur before of me writing some great piece of work and I end up on the Oprah show as one of her book club selections. You know you’ve made it when you get interviewed by Oprah. But now she doesn’t have a show anymore so that dream is over. I still haven’t decided if I write for me or for the admiration from others. And if it is for the admiration from others, is that a bad thing?
I’ve never ever finished anything I’ve written. These blogs only end because I don’t know what else to say, not that I’ve finished. Even now, I’ve sat here for 15 minutes and still don’t know what to write next. And now it has sat on my desktop for over a month now. So what does that say?
*I got laid-off two weeks ago now, so that answered that lingering question.
2 comments:
Lately I've been contemplating the question of what I get out of performing--is it raw artistic fulfillment, or is it admiration I'm looking for? I think we oversimplify ourselves as artists, though. There's more to it than that! I think that as writers or musicians or creators of any kind, we feel that we have something new and different to share with the world, and we want to contribute that. Maybe we want a little piece of ourselves to outlive us and to give something to society long after we're gone. I think the best thing to do is suspend self-judgement and let whatever's inside come out.
I'm sorry to hear about your layoff, but of course everything will turn out right. It always does!
Hugs!!!
I enjoy reading what you write. As I look through my 20 or so RSS feeds every day I normally read only 2 or 3. If you've posted anything, I always find it a good read. It's always clear and easy to read. I'm sure you will find some ways to use your "gift" to communicate hope to people, whether it is vocational writing or not. In the final analysis, our lives are designed to be a platform for God’s story of redemption and restoration.
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